Life's Full Of Surprises
by Ultrawoman
Summary: COMPLETE Five years after Sunnydale was destroyed, Buffy is in England, helping to run a new Slayer Training facility, and life is finally going okay. Then she receives a phone call from LA, and her whole world is turned upside down... Spuffy
1. Chapter 1

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A/N : Well, here it is, the fic that most people voted for. I only hope it will turn out to be as good as you think it will be! lol. This chapter really just catches you up with how life is now, five years after 7.22Chosen. I don't know why but I'm always nervous when I start posting a new fic...well, here we go again...

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Title : Life's Full Of Surprises  
Author : Ultrawoman  
Rating : PG-13  
Warning : Mentions character deaths.  
Setting : 5 Years post BtVS 7.22 Chosen and AtS 4.22 Home. AU from that point although some references will be based on what I have heard about Season 5 AtS (I have yet to see any of it)  
Disclaimer : All AtS and BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon - how lucky is he? He even owns Spike!  
Summary : Five years after Sunnydale was destroyed, Buffy is in England, helping to run the new Watchers Council / Slayer Training facility, and life is finally going okay. Then she receives a phone call from LA, and her whole world is turned upside down...  


Chapter 1

"Okay guys, that's enough for today" Buffy told the room full of young Slayers, as she grabbed a towel from behind her and dabbed some sweat off her body, "You're all doing really well" she assured the girls who all smiled, grateful of such praise from _the_ Slayer. Several were breathing deeply after their latest training session, whilst others grabbed bottles of water from the chiller at the side of the room.

Buffy moved towards the door and found Giles standing on the other side.

"Lurk much?" she smirked at her father-figure, bringing her bottle of Evian to her lips.

"I was simply observing you, and the class" the man told her, "It still amazes me that you're no longer the only Slayer, or at least one of two...that there are so many now, it's just, well, even after these past few years it's still quite a remarkable concept"

"Didn't just save the world that day" Buffy nodded, looking back into the room at the young Slayers she was training. They chatted animatedly about today's lesson and compared kicks and blows, "We changed it too"

"Indeed we did" Giles said quietly, knowing where Buffy's mind still wandered to, as she thought of that day when the hellmouth swallowed her home town whole. She missed that place, she'd done so much there. Lived, died more than once, done a great deal of growing up, and he'd watched it happen. Not just Buffy, but her friends too, all taking the place of the children of his own that he would never have.

"I still miss it sometimes" the original Slayer sighed as she leaned on the door frame and watched her 'students', "All that I teach them, you taught me it there, in a place that doesn't exist anymore" she practically whispered, turning to look up at the man that had been more of a Dad to her than anyone, including her biological father.

"Be thankful, Buffy" he said, "that we're still here, and all your friends too. I know it's not the same, being here in England, its still foreign to you..."

"Giles" Buffy interrupted the Watcher's ramblings, smiling as he distracedtly polished his glasses, as he always did, "I love it here in England. It's not Sunnydale, and I wouldn't want it to be, but it's home, because you're here and Dawn and all my friends" she told him as she walked past him and made her way up the stairs to take a shower, "_most_ of my friends" she added softly, out of his ear shot.

"Hey B, how's tricks?" Faith smiled as she came out of her room on the first floor, stretching her arms and legs out, either preparing for a workout or cooling down from one.

"It's all good" Buffy told her sister Slayer, half-heartedly. She'd started thinking about Sunnydale again and her mind wasn't with her body right now. Faith knew it too.

"Me and Rob are hitting the movies later, latest Matrix is playing, you wanna come with?" the brunette asked, almost certain she knew the answer would be know 'no thanks', but trying her best to cheer up a girl who'd become like the family she never had and thought perhaps she didn't deserve.

"I'll skip it" the blonde smiled at Faith's attempt to be nice, it was still weird having her be semi-rational and normal, not the same rough and ready girl that had rolled into Sunnydale all those years ago. 'There's just no way to forget that place is there?'

"I know you're trying to help out, but really Faith, third wheel's not a title I love"

"I gotcha, B. No problem" she nodded and smiled in understanding, giving the blonde a sisterly pat on the back and heading down the stairs. Buffy couldn't help thinking, as she watched her descend the stairs, that for all the hell and carnage that came out of it, Sunnydale had done a lot of good too. It had brought Faith and Robin together, probably the most unlikely couple, and yet here they were, five years later, as happy as anyone could be.

Buffy headed for her own room, to take that shower she'd originally been heading for. She could wash away the strains of the day, but the thoughts in her head were less simple to remove. Sunnydale meant the hellmouth, pain and destruction, suffering and death, but it also meant vampires. Two in particular were forever burned into her mind and her heart, the only two vampires to ever have a soul. 

Salt water mixed into the warm spray from the shower as Buffy cried, even now as she thought of Angel and of Spike. She saw in her mind's eye, the day she met Angel, their first kiss, their first night together, Angelus and Acathla and the day she'd had to sacrifice him, the day he came back and the day he walked away, and a million other moments she'd spent with him. 

Then there was Spike, who's original plan had been to kill the Slayer in cold blood, and inside six years things had changed so drastically, that he'd died saving the world for that very same girl.

The water started to run cold and Buffy cursed as she turned it off and hopped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. She remembered days before the final battle, living with less girls that she did now, but in a regular house where the hot water ran out in half the time and someone was always hungry or complaining they needed the bathroom or whatever. 

Now there were dorm rooms, with beds enough for all the girls that stayed at the Slayer Academy, with enough adjoining bathrooms to suffice. One side of the first floor was reserved for staff. Buffy's room was there, right between the one that belonged to Dawn and the one that Giles resided in. Further down the hall Faith and Wood shared space, Andrew had his own little room, and just recently Willow and Xander had moved in together.

Willow and Xander. The two friends Buffy had made on her first day at Sunnydale High, and were still with her now, all three best friends forever. So much had happened, a great deal had changed between them, and yet things had turned out just as it seemed they should have all those years ago. 

When Buffy first met Willow, the red-head had admitted to feelings for Xander, and even when he'd started dating Cordelia and she'd fallen for Oz, there was always something special between those two. Of course when Xander had proposed to Anya and Willow was in love with Tara, it seemed all suspicions of something more between the two best friends were wrong, but following the tragic death of both their girlfriends, the pair found comfort together, slowly discovering the love they still harboured for each other. 

They took things slowly, after all their past relationships they'd learnt not to rush headlong into something so important, plus they had to be certain it was right before taking the plunge, neither of them could bear to lose their best friend if the romantic side of things fell apart, but they were so happy now and Buffy loved to see them that way. They deserved it after all the heart-aches they had endured.

Buffy was now dressed and laying back on her bed, flicking through her old photo album, thankful once again they she'd retrieved a few special items before the final battle, just in case. 

Here it was, her history in picture form, all her friends and loved ones, laughing and smiling at special occasions and just on ordinary days of fun. So engrossed in her reminiscing was Buffy that she didn't realise anyone was knocking on her door, till it opened and Dawn walked in.

"Hey" her sister smiled uncertainly, and Buffy was immediately worried.

"Something wrong?" she asked the brunette as she closed the door and walked over to sit on the edge of her sisters bed, facing Buffy.

"That's what I was gonna ask you" the younger woman admitted, for she was a young woman now, at twenty-three she was far from the child she had been when home had collapsed around them. "Faith said you seemed a little, well, not upset exactly, maybe distracted"

"I told her I'm fine" Buffy assured her sister, "And I really am...I was just thinking is all" she sighed glancing down at the album in her lap. Dawn looked at the page from upside down and smiled at the faces she saw

"That was your birthday" she realised, "Your twenty-first"

"Yeah" Buffy nodded absently, "Seems like a lifetime ago" her voice trailed away as she looked at the photographs, remembering the birthday party that had started out so well, and later ended up with all those present being trapped in the house by a curse! Herself, Willow and Xander were in one photo, another shot had the two couples, Anya and Xander, Willow and Tara. A third was just Buffy, then another of Buffy with Dawn.

"You never knew that I took that, did you?" the brunette half smiled as she pointed to the final photograph on the page. Buffy shook her head lightly, confirming that she didn't.

There she was leaning back against the wall, Spike in front of her, smirking that special smirk that only he was capable of, and Buffy knew all to well what he might have been saying, only he couldn't have been, because in the picture she was smiling, a real genuine smile...

"It wasn't deliberate to get you two in a picture together" Dawn assured her, "It's just, you were smiling and you looked so happy...you weren't exactly brimming over with the joy that year" she trailed off and Buffy nodded again, she knew what her sister meant and it had been true. When she'd come back from heaven, earth just seemed like hell. She hated herself and she took it out on the one person who seemed to truly understand what she was going through. 

Her and Spike, they'd both been pretty destructive, but there was one thing she particularly regretted damaging. His belief in himself. The First had played it's part but Buffy had admitted to herself a long time ago that she had a great deal to do with the fact that Spike did not believe in his own worth. She said she loved him in that final moment and he hadn't believed. Buffy had spent so long shattering his hopes and dreams, that when it came to the end he couldn't accept the fact she now saw the truth, that she loved him.

With a quiet thud, Buffy closed the album and placed it back in the drawer by her bed. She turned to her sister with a fake smile painted on, looking genuine enough that Dawn wouldn't suspect.

"Why don't you go out with Faith and Robin, maybe ask Andrew to go with, have some fun" she suggested, lifting her hand and running her fingers down the length of Dawn's hair as she often did "You need to cram in all the good times fast before those exams of yours"

The brunette nodded that she was right. 

Although Dawn lived at the Academy in a room in the staff quarters, she spent most of her time at the local college or the hospital, training to be a doctor. It was useful to have a medical student around the place, since in such a physical environment injuries occurred regularly, though it did help that all the girls had super Slayer healing powers too.

Buffy was soon alone in her room again, as her sister went to find her friends. Beyond the door everything was quiet, and the blonde Slayer realised that she was probably the only staff member currently in her room. The only people she hadn't seen for a few hours was Willow and Xander and that was because they were at work. 

Xander couldn't get a manual job in the construction sector what with the loss of his eye and everything, so he'd moved into the admin side, designing and such. Willow studied at the local college, having almost finished the courses she'd begun back home, as well as working part time at a book store in town.

Everyone was happy at last. They all had a place in this new institution, and a place in the world as a whole. Even those you weren't exactly Scoobies like Andrew and Robin Wood had a place. The former-evil geek was head chef and general housekeeper, whilst the past-Slayer's son worked with Buffy and Faith as training assistant for the girls, and of course he had the ever tricky job of being Faith's other half.

Still, Buffy was feeling decidedly unsettled. Everything was too perfect, something was bound to go wrong. She knew only too well that when it seemed nothing could go wrong, it always did.

'Maybe I lived on a hellmouth too long' she mused, passing her eyes over the clock right before they closed. It was about an hour before dinner would be ready. Buffy figured shutting her eyes for a few minutes wouldn't do any harm. As much as she loved what she was doing, training Slayers to face the evil that still existed in the world, it was somewhat tiring on occasion, and with the stress of worrying about the fact there was nothing to worry about, she'd quite exhausted herself!

Closing her eyes never helped much, even now, five years since she'd last seen them, two souled vampires still haunted so many of her dreams in one way or another. Today would be no different.

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To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

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A/N : Happy to see positive feedback to my first chapter :-) Thanx to PerennialOutlander, SweetBitter, LadyStarlight, zanthinegirl, Spuffyfan4eva, Rachel, and Spikes Bint for the sweet reviews, I hope you all continue t enjoy this story. I promise there will be Spuffy, but not immediately. I hope you guys have patience and can wait a while, I think Spuffy is so much sweeter if you have to wait a while for it, that said, it won't be too long before we at least get them in the same room together! Enough of Ultra's crazy ramblings now, time for more fic...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 2

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The room was dark and dank, but Buffy was not afraid of any of it. It wasn't just because she was the Slayer, it was because she knew the vampire here would never harm her. He was her Angel, her first true love, and when he reached out his arms to her, she willing entered his embrace. 

There were no words as he held her, no fear or pain as there usually was, and when he moved and looked into her eyes, everything felt calm and safe in a way it never usually did. 

Reaching up to kiss him, the crash heard off to the side barely registered in Buffy's mind, until a sword came flying in. Her arm shot out instinctively, her hand catching the hilt of the weapon. 

Seemingly oblivious, Angel continued to kiss her, and she kissed him back, her arm seemingly possessed by a force of it's own as she pulled away from him and thrust the sword through her lovers chest. He whispered her name as he turn to dust before her eyes. 

Realising what she'd done, Buffy fell to her knees, weeping amongst the remains of her Angel, the thought that metal couldn't dust a vamp never entering her head, but then the laws of the universe didn't apply in this world...

There was a light tap on her shoulder and Buffy turned, looking up to see another vampire, the only other she had ever learnt to trust, and she truly had by the end. Light music started to filter in from nowhere specific and in a moment the Slayer was in Spike's arms dancing round and round the floor. Not talking or kissing or anything else. Just dancing. It was all they'd ever done.

The room seemed to grow darker, but the two of them were aglow as if a spotlight stayed upon them wherever they moved. The light was growing brighter by the second and it was only as smoke started to curl up from Spike's shoulders that Buffy realised where the light was coming from - the Sun.

They stopped dancing and Buffy knew she should get Spike away from the fatal beams, and God knows how she tried to, but he seemed to be made of lead, completely unmoving against her force. Spike only smiled as the flames engulfed him and he turned to silently falling ash.

The Slayer screamed, and cried, and raged, the pain unbearable inside of her. Peels of cruel laughter and evil whispers assaulted her ears and a terrible tapping sound that threatened to drive her to insanity...

Buffy woke with a start as someone knocked impatiently on her bedroom door. She sat bolt upright on her bed, sweat and tears pouring down her face as she breathed deeply and reminded herself it was all a horrible dream...only it wasn't.

She had put that sword through Angel, not Angelus but her darling Angel. She'd sent him to an untold Hell, sacrificed his life to save her world. The fact that he'd returned just weeks later did nothing to quash the guilt and pain Buffy could still feel when she thought too much about that day, or dreamt of it as she just had.

And Spike, he had taken death when it was offered to him, in the most heroic of deeds. He had used an amulet that few could have borne the power of, and let himself be taken from this mortal plain, to save the world. But Buffy knew, selfishly or not, that it was her he had made the real sacrifice for. She was his world, he had told her often enough. He'd died for her.

"Buffy?" a frantic voice called beyond the door, the tapping of a fist on wood audible again in the bedroom.

"Come in, Giles" she said half heartedly, as she ran her hands over her face and back into her hair, hoping she looked at least a little better than she felt "Whats up?"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry" the man frowned slightly as he came into the room "did I wake you?" he asked, noticing she was sitting up on her bed, rubbing her eyes.

"Kinda" Buffy admitted with a shrug, moving her legs and gesturing for Giles to come and sit "but mostly I'm glad about the wake-age. Major nightmare" she told him.

"Oh dear" Giles sympathised, perching on the edge of the bed, facing his original Slayer, "anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Nah" Buffy shook her head and waved her hand negatively "just badness, y'know, I'm fine now" she shrugged it off, desperate to forget todays dream, along with those similar ones she'd had so many times before "Is dinner ready?" she asked, trying to change the subject and not knowing why else Giles would have come to find her like this.

"Er, I'm not sure actually" he admitted "I came to find you because I just took a telephone call from America...Los Angeles to be specific" he said carefully, watching closely for her reaction to this.

"Angel" was all she said, one word and so quiet Giles barely heard her speak at all.

"Wesley, actually" he corrected "and he was rather agitated"

"Is it Angelus again?" was Buffy's next concern "Because I don't know if I could..." she trailed off, her dream too fresh in her mind, memories of how Angelus had come forth in Sunnydale because of her, and how she'd had to send her beloved Angel to hell because it was too late by the time his soul was restored.

"It's not Angelus" Giles assured her "I am certain of that. I must say it is the first thing that crossed my mind, but Wesley does assure me that is not the case"

Buffy sat silently for a moment, trying to think of reasons why she'd be needed in LA so suddenly and why Wesley would be the one to call. She was at a loss.

"Then what's the sitch?" she asked, frowning a little as swung her legs over the side of the bed to sit beside Giles.

"It seems the staff of Wolfram & Hart are eager for you to visit" he smiled slightly as he explained, in truth he was equally as worried as Buffy about what might be occurring back in California that would require the ultimate Slayer's power.

"Like for a vacation?" Buffy hoped rather than believed "Cos Slayer-wise I'm not the only one anymore, plenty to choose from that do not have a history of both sleeping with and killing the boss" she added seriously, hoping she could get out of this. Seeing Angel always confused her, that's why it had been phone calls only for the past few years, it made it easier for her to forget he was there, almost.

"I'm afraid the specifics Wesley gave me were only that you were needed in Los Angeles and at the earliest time possible" Giles sighed, removing his glasses and polishing them with his handkerchief "Beyond that I really can't tell you"

"Let me get this straight" Buffy said looking a little annoyed "my ex-Watcher-turned-demon-hunter-turned-lawyer, wants me to travel thousands of miles to see people I haven't seen in almost half a decade and he won't even tell us why?" the lack of information wasn't worrying her so much as it was pissing her off now.

"That is rather the long and the short of it, yes" Giles was forced to admit, knowing he hated being short of the facts just as his Slayer did. He knew it was hard for her to see Angel after all that had occurred between them, but it also meant going backwards. Back to the States, to California, to see people that she hadn't seen for years... "Buffy" he got her attention as he put his hand over hers "I understand it's still all terribly difficult for you, but it did sound as though this matter was quite important. Even so, going back to California might be just what you need, like you say a vacation" Buffy didn't look convinced "Well, you could at least use a little sun" he tried, "The British weather is not quite as reliable for that as it is in LA"

"I guess" Buffy admitted with a smile "It's just so weird that he won't tell us why they need me there" her frown was reappearing as her mind worried and wondered about what badness might be happening across the Atlantic.

"Well, it doesn't necessarily mean it's anything to worry yourself over" her father-figure tried to calm her down as she stood up and walked to the window. He could tell when she was agitated, she didn't keep still "Perhaps it's a pleasant surprise that they just want to give to you in person" he suggested to her back and watched her nod her head.

"Maybe" Buffy conceded, but truth be told neither she nor Giles were so convinced by his words, and the Slayer couldn't help but wonder, was this the bad thing to break all the good? Because the way things were right now, all calm and stable, she knew something had to give...

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"So? What'd she say?" the one person more frantic than Wesley asked, looking not half as cool and calm as usual, as the other man put down the phone and leant back in his chair behind the desk.

"I wasn't actually able to speak to Buffy" the Englishman admitted, "Only Giles, but I have no doubt he'll get her here" he assured Spike, but the vampire was frowning as he paced the office, lit by a shaft of sunlight that permeated through the protective glass of the Wolfram and Hart building.

"What the hell am I gonna say to her Wes?" he sighed, "All this time, she thought I was dead and now with what's happened these passed few weeks, I dunno where to start" he ended, dropping himself into the chair on the opposite side of the desk to his friend.

"We're all here, myself, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, we'll all help" Wesley promised, "It's been quite an experience for all concerned and we'll all do our best...but I wish you would have let me told them at least roughly what this visit was for" he complained, "No doubt Buffy will have a hundred frightening scenarios running through her head right now"

Spike shook his head at that.

"Slayer's averted more apocalypses in her short life than I've seen in the whole of my one and a half century existence" he told him, almost annoyed "there's nothing her imagination can cook up worse than she's already faced" he got up and headed for the door but Wesley called behind him just as he reached for the handle.

"But this is different"

"Yeah" Spike admitted, stopping and turning briefly "always is with Buffy, I just hope she's still as strong as she used to be and not half as beautiful" he said more softly as he opened the door. As he exited the office Wesley heard him add "or this visit of her's is gonna be the death of me, and the final sort at that"

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To Be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3

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A/N : I'm really pleased that this fic is getting such good feedback. Thanx muchly to all you people that reviewed; Courtney37, zanthinegirl, Rachel, Lady Starlight, WolverGrim, Freja, mnkychick1823, ekmw511, SouthernRain, SweetBitter, SlayGal. Hope you all like this chapter as much as the others...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 3

"Well, here I go" Buffy tried to smile as the last of her bags were packed into the cab and she stood facing her friends and family, all set for her trip to LA. In turn she hugged her sister-Slayer, her real sister, her two best friends and her father-figure.

"Have a wonderful time Buffy" Giles smiled, "I see no reason why you shouldn't"

"I'll do my best" the young woman smiled back as she said goodbye to them all once again and climbed into the cab.

She turned to wave through the back window until the car pulled around the next corner and she could no longer see the place she had called home for five years now. Turning back in her seat, Buffy's mind began to wander, back to the last few days she had spent in the US. After the destruction of Sunnydale, it had been said that the Slayers and the Scoobies should lead relatively normal lives, but Buffy knew better than anyone it would never happen completely. Too much had occurred in her young life for her to ever be satisfied with the ordinary.

From the site where her home town used to stand, Buffy and her friends went to LA. All the injured were taken to hospital there whilst the able-bodied took shelter at the Hyperion with Angel and his crew. The group had been quite shocked to see them but had rallied around much like the Scoobies always did, tending to the smaller wounds, finding rooms and food and supplies for all their many guests until the girls decided where to go from here.

Buffy can still see, in her minds eye, what happened when she laid eyes on Angel that day. She'd been the last off of the bus, so caught up in thoughts and emotions that she barely registered the vehicle had stopped moving until Xander's hand landed on her shoulder and she turned to see many empty seats all around her.

"Come on Buff" the brunette smile, despite is own loss, "Help this lesser sighted being into the hotel?"

Buffy could hardly believe how her friend could keep on smiling through all the problems, the death and destruction, but what else was there to do? She smiled back as she got to her feet and walked into the building with her best friend. As she came through the door, she looked around the foyer, all full of girls and her friends and family, and then there he was.

In the centre of everything was Angel, the first vampire with a soul, her first love. His presence there only served to remind her of the loss of another, the second. Her hands went to her face as the emotion caught up with her and she cried like she'd never stop. Immediately Angel was there, wrapping his arms around her, comforting her as so much emotion washed over her.

They'd spent hours talking, after the initial mess had been cleared. The girls had beds to sleep in, as did the rest of the gang. Faiths original request to sleep for a week could happen if she wanted it too, although Buffy knew she would be up at the crack of dawn to go to the hospital and see Robin again.

Angel sat opposite his one time girlfriend as she spilled out everything about the last few weeks. She admitted to everything that had happened as regards her feelings for Spike, elaborated on what she'd said before about him being in her heart, crying as she told of his sacrifice. Even Angel, who was usually the last person to have a good word for his grand-childe, admitted that Spike done a great thing for Buffy and for the world. 

That night Buffy had wanted comfort that Angel could not offer. It would have been unfair to ask him to stay the night with her, just to hold her. She knew as well as he did that they would both end up wanting more and that could never be. 

Things had been simpler with Spike, Buffy realised as the cab took her to the airport. He had a soul he couldn't lose, he loved her unconditionally with or without it, and he'd do anything she wanted good or bad just to be close to her. He'd told her once that to hold her and watch her sleep for one night had been the greatest time in his whole existence. A part of her was glad she'd given him that happy time before his final passing.

Shaking her head in an attempt to banish all kinds of unhelpful thoughts and emotions, Buffy felt one stray tear trickle down her cheek. She missed those two vampires that she thought of so often. Once she left LA, two weeks after she'd arrived, she had not seen Angel either. In those two weeks she'd made friends with the gang. Wesley had changed so much she hardly recognised him, but she'd found she preferred him now to the annoying geeky Watcher he'd been years before. Fred was a sweetheart, Gunn was a hell of a fighter but with a heart of gold, and Lorne could have her smiling in seconds even when she felt like the world had just crashed down on her head.

It'd be nice to see them all again, she realised, though she worried about what kind of impending doom she might be walking into. It seemed too simple that they'd just invite her over for a visit. A vacation was a nice idea, but in the life of a Slayer, even one of many as she was now, she knew it was just not plausible.

* * * * *

It still amazed him to stand by the window and watch the sun rise without fear of being fried and dusted by the rays. This vampire-protection glass was a hell of an invention and one he'd definitely come to appreciate since he'd moved into Wolfram and Hart with Angel's gang. He hadn't meant to stay these five years, at first there'd been no choice in the matter, he was tied to the magical amulet that had brought him here and incorporeal too. But once he'd got his freedom and a solid body he could have just walked out that door, gone to find Buffy and the Little Bit, but something stopped him. What would she say if she saw him again? Would she be pleased? Would she smack him in the face? Either way it'd be nothing he hadn't experienced before, but he didn't know if he could face it all again. Perhaps Angel had been right in leaving their precious Slayer alone. She had a shot at a normal life now, she didn't need some resurrected vamp hanging around...did she?

"Hey Spike" he heard behind him but didn't turn. He'd sensed her presence and she'd been standing there a while just watching him, watching the city.

"Hello pet" he replied, still staring out of the window "You okay?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess" Fred sighed coming to stand beside him.

"Tough times" Spike nodded absently, sparing her a glance and smiling slightly.

"Yeah" she agreed.

There was a pause before she suddenly placed her hand on his arm and got his attention.

"It'll be okay, Spike" she said softly and he looked at her with a slight frown.

"What will luv?" he asked, pretending not to understand, but Fred knew better.

"Buffy's visit" she said simply and he shrugged, dislodging her hand from his arm as he stared out across the city of angels, they'd got the call several hours ago to say she was about to board the plane in London, she could arrive at any time now.

"Oh, that" he sighed "Hadn't thought about it much"

"You're such a terrible liar" Fred laughed in spite of the fact it wasn't very funny, but it was so true. Spike finally gave up on the view and turned to face a girl he'd got to know quite well since he'd arrived in LA.

"Is it that obvious?" he asked with a half-smile, needing no real answer.

"Spike, do you remember when you first showed up here?" she asked as he turned away again and walked to the other side of the room.

"How could I forget?" he asked the wall as he ran his hand around a very interesting picture frame "I was supposed to be dead" he was avoiding answering the question because he knew what she meant.

"The first thing you said when you appeared" Fred recalled so clearly "after a string of curse words, was..."

"Where's Buffy?" he said just as he had so many years ago, he remembered it just as well as Fred did, probably better.

"She was your first thought" the girl commented, being reminded of the one thing about Spike that drove her crazy. Usually he was so vocal about what he thought and felt, but he had this ability to clam up completely whenever it came to Buffy.

"My last too" he admitted "or at least what I thought would be my last, and every other thought before, after and in between..." he turned around once again and faced Fred as he continued "but these past five years I've told myself she's better off without me. Now the decisions been made for me and I'm going to have to face her..." he breathed a deep and unnecessary breath before asking "Fred what if she hates me?"

Fred couldn't help but smile at the child-like innocence on the vampires face. How he had ever been evil she couldn't imagine. How he'd existed in the world for over a century she couldn't conceive. He was such a little boy sometimes.

"Why would she?" she asked him "How can she hate you anymore than she hates us? We could have told her you were here and we didn't" she shook her head at the absurdity of it "And she can't hate you for loving her" she added as if it were obvious. Spike almost laughed though the humour wasn't there at all.

"You don't know Buffy like I do, pet" he told her as he turned to leave the room.

"Maybe not, but I know you" she said, making him stop in his tracks "You're a good man, Spike" she told his back as he refused to turn back "in five years I've learnt that. Buffy knew you longer than me, and you were close to her. You told me once that she admitted she loved you"

Spike closed his eyes, pushing back tears as he remembered the last time he'd seen his Slayer. She'd gripped his hand and fire had erupted from their touch. She'd said she loved him as the pain of his soul and the cleansing light ripped through his being. He'd told her to go and that he didn't believe her...even now he wasn't sure whether he'd meant that or not.

"She did" he said quietly, turning at last "and I know I'm being stupid, and selfish too because this visit isn't even supposed to be about me, but..."

"Spike, Fred" a voice called bringing his attention back to the door, along with hers. "Buffy's here" Wesley announced as he arrived in the room and Spike took another deep unneeded breath as he made to follow the ex-Watcher down to meet his fate.

"No time for buts" Fred noted with a half-smile as she stood beside him.

"Guess not" Spike nodded, hesitating by the door, not knowing whether he was glad that Buffy was so close or just terrified by the prospect of seeing her again after all this time.

"Time to face the music" commented the girl at his side.

He genuinely smiled as he replied.

"Worse than that luv, time to face the Slayer"

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To Be Continued...


	4. Chapter 4

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A/N : Okay, so I feel like hell, but I promised to get this chapter posted for you and here it is. How dedicated am I? lol. I think all those wonderful reviews helped a whole lot. I want to say a big thanks to; Shansuedluvsbitch, maribel, Rachel9, Ming1214, Spikes-gal787, msu, Melanie, The Mage of Willowbottom, King Henry the V, kat, fischergirl, SlayGal, Ryann, wicked-angel3, Lady Starlight, spike wuvs buffy, fashiongrrl, zanthinegirl, Leanne8582, SouthernRain. Wow, I don't remember the last time I got so many great reviews all at once, you guys rock! I know the cliffhanger at the end of the previous chapter was bad, but here is the Spuffy meeting...and a twist that you might not be expecting...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 4

Buffy stood outside the doors of Wolfram and Hart for several minutes before she dared to go in. The thought of seeing Angel was strange in itself, and the idea that something apocalypse-y might be happening again and she had to deal, well, that just made her feel all the worse. Eventually, taking a deep breath, she went in to face whatever was inside the building, and whatever information the employees might impart to her.

A nice woman behind the reception desk welcomed her, asked her name and invited her to take a seat whilst she told Mr Wyndham-Pryce that she'd arrived. That was the first thing that seemed weird to Buffy. Why had Wes called her? Why not Angel? He hadn't been mentioned at all, not before she left England or now she was in LA. She sighed as she thought about it, and realised she should know better. She knew only too well how Angel must have felt when she told him she had unidentifiable feelings for Spike. The two vamps could not get along if their un-lives depended on it, and Buffy knew that better than anyone. But after five years, would Angel still be upset about that? 'This is the king of brooding we're talking about' Buffy smiled to herself, 'Of course he'd still be letting it get to him'

"Excuse me, Miss Summers?" a young woman got the Slayer's attention back on the third attempt.

"Oh yeah, sorry" she apologised for zoning out and the un-named W&H employee told her it was quite alright and that if she'd just like to follow her she would take her to the room where she would be joined in a moment by Mr Wyndham-Pryce and his associates.

The blonde frowned once again as the young woman made it sound as if Wesley were in charge of the whole thing. She knew he had been at one time, when Angel had gone through a dark-but-not-actually-Angelus patch of his un-life. 'Oh God' she thought to herself 'Giles promised it wasn't Angelus but what if it's soulful-but-evil-anyway Angel?!'

She didn't have time to dwell on the thought as the woman exited the room and Buffy's ex-Watcher came in.

"Buffy, how wonderful to see you" he greeted her and she stepped forward to give him a friendly hug.

"Great to see you too, Wes" she smiled as they parted, "Gotta tell you I'm kinda confused though"

"Confused?" he frowned and she wondered how he could possibly not understand why she'd be feeling that way.

"Wes, you call up Giles and tell him you need me to come to LA without any what, why, or how thrown in. Just 'hey Buff, get your Slayer-self over here' What is this all about?" she asked, slightly frustrated.

"I think that's my cue for an explanation" said a distinct British voice from the doorway behind her, and Buffy completely froze. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak, she could barely breathe. Surely, it couldn't possibly be...

"Spike?" she breathed as she turned around to look, sure enough coming face to face with a vampire she was certain had dusted five years before.

"Hello luv" he said simply, unsure of what her reaction would be as yet, looking cool as ever and yet panicking on the inside about what she would say or do next.

There they stood, either side of the doorway, as Wesley watched from his position, perched on the edge of the desk, and Fred from hers, behind the vampire. Green eyes took in a familiar body in it's familiar black attire, above which she found that face she'd seen so many nights in her dreams, but absent was the smirk that usually rested upon it. Still his hair was bleached so blonde it was practically white, and still those blue eyes sparkled and danced with more life than a dead man should possess

At the same time those blue eyes drank in the figure of a woman who was older than she had been the last time he'd seen her, and yet just as beautiful as ever she had been. Her blonde hair hung to her shoulders, framing her currently shocked face, whilst her blouse and pants clung to her showing off her body perfectly.

The room remained silent and moments that seemed to last hours trickled past, three occupants all waiting for the reaction of the fourth.

"How?" the blonde forced out of her mouth that seemed to have forgotten how to form words.

"It's kind of long story actually" Fred chimed in when it seemed that Spike was equally incapable of speech as Buffy was.

The vampire watched the Slayer with troubled eyes, still wondering what her reaction was going to be and petrified it would not be good. Her gaze had been fixed on him since he'd entered the room, which he knew for a fact, since his had been equally as stuck on her. Suddenly her eyes flickered towards the windows and back. A steady stream on sunlight was lighting up a man she'd only seen in the light of day on one occasion before.

"The sun..." she frowned a little and Wesley jumped in.

"It's protective glass" he explained, "the entire building has it, it makes the sun's rays harmless for any creature that has an intolerance to it"

She nodded dumbly, for a fraction of a second she'd thought perhaps it was a human that stood before her now, and in some ways she was glad to be told it wasn't. That would complicate things more than him still being a vampire, at least she knew how to handle him as a vamp, or at least she had before...now she had no idea what to say or do next and Spike looked to be similarly afflicted.

Five years older, and still just as beautiful as the last time he'd seen her, even more so than the picture he held in his mind for so long. The memory had deteriorated with age where the reality had not and he was far more stunned by that than he ever thought he would be. There was a million things he'd planned to say when he finally saw her again, and yet here he was, dumb-struck, a hundred words in his head but not one willing to pass his lips.

"Er, perhaps we should leave you two alone for a moment" Wesley suggested and Fred nodded in agreement, the small problem being that Spike was standing in the only doorway, the only exit to the room. Fred was already out of the room but Wesley's route was decidedly blocked by the bleached blond vampire.

"Spike" he said, receiving no response til Fred poked him in the back and he turned his head to look at them for a moment.

"What?" he asked, shaking his head as if coming out of some kind of daze.

"If you move out of the way, Fred and I will leave you two alone" Wesley told him, "I think there is something rather important you have to say" he reminded him with a look that conveyed the seriousness and importance of that message Spike must give to the Slayer. It brought the vampire back to Earth with a nasty bump.

"Okay" he nodded once as Wes and Fred left the room, closing the door softly behind them. 

When Spike turned back, Buffy had moved to sit on the edge of the desk, but her eyes were still on him.

"How've you been, Slayer?" he asked her with a tilt of his head, trying yet again to figure out how she was feeling and what she was thinking.

"Five years Spike" she said almost angrily, "Five years of thinking you were dead, hours of crying over you, and here you were the whole time, and all you can think to say to me is to ask how I've been?" she asked incredulously and he looked guiltily at his boots.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly to the floor, "I know it's not enough but I am sorry" he assured her, finally looking up again "I know I should've soddin' called or written or whatever and it's not like the thought never crossed my mind but...you had a shot at normal, luv, I didn't want to screw that up for you"

She shocked him then by starting to laugh, but it wasn't a 'this is funny' kind of laugh, it was a painful one, accompanied by a wash of tears that tumbled down her cheeks.

"Y'know you make such a big deal about being different, and you love to tell everyone how much you and Angel aren't alike, and yet here you are, telling me how you left me for my own good" she yelled, "You should have let me decide what was right for me, Spike. I told you, a few months before the end, I told you I wasn't ready for you to leave me"

He hated to see her cry. Of all the tortures he'd endured in his life at the hands of so many, most especially those he'd faced to earn back his soul for her, he'd take every moment of that pain and torment again if only he never had to see her cry like this, it just tore him apart inside. 

What made it worse was that he really wanted to hold her and tell her it would be okay, but there was always something stopping him. He remembers all too clearly the day of Joyce's funeral when he should have been there for her, and instead he had to watch from the shade as her friends did their part. By the time night fell Angel arrived, and besides Spike knew if he had managed to go over to her and offer sympathy and comfort he would probably have got a smack in the face for his efforts. She really hadn't liked him much back then, but now, well, right now he wasn't sure, but his memories of Joyce's burial and after it only served to make him think of his grand-sire and the actual point of Buffy being there in LA today.

"Slayer, there hasn't been a moment since I got back to this plain of existence when I haven't thought about you. How you might react if I turned up on your doorstep or if I just picked up the phone...for once in my un-life I was trying to the right thing and I honestly am sorry if I messed it all up again" this was not all he needed to say to her but the rest would have to wait. As usual the Great Git was getting in the way of what should have been something special between them but this once Spike would let it go. He was about to make his girl cry even more than she was now and he hated himself so much for that, but it had to be done and he'd agreed to be the one to do it.

"Buffy, luv, I'm not the real reason you're here" he admitted, glancing between her tear-stained face and the ground, "As usual the centre of attention has to be the other vamp with the soul" he rolled his eyes before closing them and steeling himself against the guilt. He'd felt it a lot lately for making such comments and he hated himself for feeling it, but there it was again.

"Then why am I here?" the girl before him asked, wiping the saltwater from her face with the back of her hand, trying to look unemotional and serious in case this was an important Slayer matter.

"It's about Angel" Spike said slowly, wondering how he was ever supposed to get through the entire sentence, "he...there was this demon and, he didn't wait for us to go with him and help, you now how big-headed he can be...the point is..."

"Spit it out, Spike" Buffy snapped, dreading hearing the truth she was just realising, but knowing she'd never completely believe until she heard the words.

"I'm sorry, luv. Angel's dead"

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To Be Continued...


	5. Chapter 5

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A/N : Y'know I suspected there would be major shock-age when you all read the last line of the previous chapter. Thankfully no-one seems to be totally p.o.-ed about it so that's a bonus, lol. Thanks to everyone who reviewed - zanthinegirl, fischergirl, wicked-angel3, King Henry the V, seapea, the Mage of Willowbottom, Spikes-gal787, ekmw511, Queen of Evil, Lady Starlight, Shansuedluvsbitch, spikegrl07, aurralie, Kayti Summers, god, aphelant, Rachel. Wow, so many reviews! I luv you guys! You definitely cheered me up when I was feeling less than great this week. Thankfully I'm all big with the better now and here is a new chapter for you! :-)

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 5

"I'm sorry luv. Angel's dead" the words fell from Spike's lips and Buffy felt like the world stopped turning. She hadn't seen her first love in five years but she thought of him everyday just as she thought of Spike too. 

Before that final battle on the Hellmouth she'd told Angel that maybe one day she could see a future with him. She wasn't sure how she meant it, if she really meant it at all, but she did love him still, then and now. 

During her last visit to LA they hadn't really mentioned themselves, Buffy had talked mosly about the loss of her home and the loss of Spike, both of which reduced her to tears after just a moments thought back then. Angel had been so undertsnading and kind, and she knew how hard it must have been, thought afterwards how much it must have hurt him to hear about her closeness to his unruly grand-childe. 

Now it was all the other way around. Her precious Angel was gone and Spike stood before her, waiting for her to react to the horrible news, hurting because she was and because he knew that even dead Angel would always mean more to her.

"No" was the first word that came from the Slayers mouth, "No, you're lying" she choked out as tears ran unchecked down her face once again.

"I wouldn't, pet. Not about this" the vampire assured her with a slight shake of his head. He wasn't in the least offended to be called a liar, not by her and not about this. When you lose someone, for a while it seems easier to deny it. Maybe if you can say it's not true enough times it really won't be. God knows he'd tried it enough after Buffy had dived into Glory's portal seven years ago now.

"He can't be..." the blonde girl crumpled before his eyes, from the mighty Slayer to a confused and anguished little girl, drowning in pain and tears with nothing to cling onto. It might have been a while since she'd seen him, but Spike knew Angel meant the world to her and always would, despite the three words she had imparted to him when it seemed his own eternal rest was imminent.

As Spike watched his girl sob and wail, he couldn't bear to just stand there like a useless idiot whilst she was in pain. She held her face in her hands and cried like she'd never stop as he walked carefully over and reached to put his arms around her.

"Don't!" she yelled through flood of tears, pushing his hands away from her. It hurt for her to be that way with him, served to remind him of all those times she had let him be physical with her and then knocked him down when he'd tried to just love her. He'd gone crazy because of it, pushed too hard and too far, throw in more guilt than any human could handle and a bucket load of pain and torture and here he was, soul intact, but still driven just as crazy by this woman as ever.

"Please, luv" Spike begged, desperate just to help her, bring her a little comfort when she was hurting so much. Again he moved to put an arm around her and she struggled against him. 

He knew as she beat her fists on his chest that this was not the Slayer trying to get rid of him, it was a hurt little girl so angry and upset, needing someone to blame. She was barely hitting him, just frustratedly writhing near him as he finally managed to get close to her. She finally let the violence dissipate and allowed herslef to be held, rocked, comforted.

Buffy was only half aware of what she was doing. Crying, yelling, lashing out. She'd not considered living her life in a world without Angel, not for years. First when she'd sacrificed him to hell to save the world, she'd known him barely two years and during that time he'd been evil for several months, but she loved him and knew she always would. 

When he'd come back, she thought that was it, they must be destined to be together, but too much got in the way and he was soon telling her he was going to leave town and not come back. At least that way she knew there was a chance of seeing him again, of one day them being together somehow, but if he was really gone...but wasn't Spike supposed to be gone? Yet here he was, holding her now, soothing her as she cried for the loss of a man he'd hated so much. It served to remind her just how much she'd missed him, and how much he really loved her.

It was several minutes later when Buffy finally found her voice enough to ask the one question she dreaded the answer too but knew she must ask.

"How?" she said quietly into the fabric of Spike's shirt, and he was only glad that with her head beneath his, she couldn't see that he was almost in tears himself. He considered asking her if she was sure she wanted to know, if she thought she could handle it right now, but he knew better than that. For all that her little Scooby club said about him and how he didn't really know Buffy at all, on some levels he knew her better than anyone. She wanted an explanation now and he had to give it...he only wished he'd never agreed to do this.

"There was a demon" he said slowly, hating how loud and harsh his voice sounded in the silence of the room, "We knew it was coming, had a whole load of brains researching the bugger but looks like the times got calculated wrong or something cos it showed up three days before it should've..." he paused, trying to find the easiest way to say what he must and finding it practically impossible to make this any less painful for her, "Someone called, someone who knew there was trouble. Angel didn't wait for backup just charged out axe in hand to end the suffering, to help the helpless..." his voice almost completely disappeared as he echoed the old slogan of Angel Investigations that was quoted so often even though the gang had been at Wolfram and Hart for half a decade now.

"Tell me exactly what happened, Spike" Buffy said shakily as her head rose from his chest and she looked up into his eyes that threatened to spill as many tears as she herself had already shed, "I have to know"

Swallowing hard and taking an unnecessary deep breath he nodded, agreeing that he would tell her as much as he knew.

"When we realised he'd gone it alone, we went after him, me and Gunn and Wes, a whole section of fighters...I don't know how long Angel had been fighting that thing, the sight was tragic, there were bodies everywhere, the ones he'd been too late to save..." Spike found he couldn't look her in the eye as he gave the account of her old lovers death "We rushed in to help, would've been okay but...there was debris everywhere, wooden shards...when the thing threw him it was just...it was just unlucky, I s'pose..." his voice disappeared as he dared to look at her once again, more tears threatening to spill from her red rimmed eyes, she looked so desolate and lost. He brought his hand up to her cheek and pushed her hair back from her face, only wishing he could push back the wave of pain from inside of her.

"Does it..." Buffy stumbled over the words she meant to say "Would he have felt it...the pain?" she asked him.

"No, pet" Spike replied in a soft tone he didn't know he possessed, "It was quick, he wouldn't have known what was happening until...he wouldn't have felt much pain" he amended, not knowing for sure if he was even telling the truth.

He'd seen his fellow vampire land on the simple fragment of wood that would be his downfall. He'd seen the look on his face, just for a second as he realsied what had occurred, a mixture of surprise and a strange kind of peace, before he was gone. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

"The demon" Buffy said next, the sheer agony that had been in her eyes before was slowly pushed out by anger, the fire and the darkness that Spike knew lurked deep within her soul. Spike knew she was plotting vengeance so horrific that even Anyanka would have been shocked.

"It's gone" he said simply, letting up his hold on her finally and turning away. She frowned, not knowing why his mood had changed so suddenly.

"Gone where?" she asked his back "and how?"

"Just gone" came the reply, "Dead and gone...I killed it" he admitted so quietly she barely heard him. Her frown deepened, anger dissipating and concern creeping in, as she walked up behind him and put a hand to his arm. He looked back at her with a questioning look.

"You didn't hate him, did you?" she asked, realisation dawning in her eyes as he shook his head slightly.

"In a lot of ways he was all I had" he whispered, "the only one to understand what it was like to be what I was and what I am, the closest thing to family..." his voice trailed away as he watched Buffy's hand slip down his arm, her fingers linking with his, "These past five years, we had to get on together, had to do what we could for the world" he explained, eyes fixed on their joined hands, "We had more in common than I ever thought, the Powers That Be put me here with him, sort of made me take notice of the similarities"

Buffy felt more tears tumble from her eyes as she listened to all the vampire was saying to her. He was right of course, he and Angel did have so much in common. They were tied by blood, by thier love for her, by the fact they were the only two demons to bear the weight of a soul. She hadn't considered how much things might have changed here in LA whilst she'd been building her new life in England. She'd never realised she might come face to face with a man who had seemingly died to save Sunnydale and the world.

"I wish I'd have known" she whispered, also looking down at her hand entwined with his, "I wish I'd have known you were back, that you were here with Angel"

"Wouldn't have made a difference luv" he shook his head, "You couldn't have stopped what happened..."

"I didn't mean it that way" she interrupted, and he looked up at the very same moment she did, their eyes catching each others, "I just...I would've like to have seen you two, getting along" she smiled slightly at the thought and he did the same.

"I wish you'd have been here too" he told her, as they both realised it was all too late. Neither of them was ever going to see Angel again and the loss created such a hole in their lives, such a pain in their hearts. In one movement they both stepped forward, fingers untangling so they could wrap their arms around each other in a tight hug.

Buffy cried openly into Spike's shoulder as he attempted not to do the same on her, but one or two stray droplets escaped in spite of is best efforts to control the overwhelming feelings that washed over him.

He felt loss, he felt guilt for not doing more, he felt relief and guilty joy at having his Slayer here with him, and he felt incredible fear not knowing what would happen next, and what kind of turn his un-life might take from here.

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To Be Continued...


	6. Chapter 6

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A/N : I hope you like this chapter, there were parts of it where I wasn't totally sure it was working but I've got such great responses to this fic that I'm determined to keep going, I have what I hope are some interetsing ideas for it, but writing them is more complicated than just thinking about them! Thanks to those who reviewed; Alliegirl, Shansuedluvsbitch, Turn off the Tide, Rachel, msu, fashiongrrl, aphelant. Here's the next chapter...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 6

"It's getting late, luv" Spike softly told the woman he still held in his arms "and after your journey and all, we should find you a place to sleep" he said sensibly, intentionally not elaborating on the 'and all'. It had been several hours since she'd arrived and most of the time since she had spent crying all over him. Of all things he hated, her tears were what he abhorred the most, but being given the chance to have her be willingly held by him, that was a sort of heaven, the kind of which he knew he'd never find anywhere else in the multi-verse.  
"Top two floors here are all apartments now" he told her as she finally moved away from him, wiping her cheeks free of tears with her hands again "we had it converted" he rambled on as he kept a hold of her hand and turned to walk towards the door. She didn't move and he turned to see why.

"Tomorrow" she said, voice hoarse from so much crying "will you tell me?"

"Tell you what, pet?" he asked, head tilted as he observed her with a slight frown.

"How you got here" came her answer "the whole story"

"Sure luv" he nodded slowly "it's as clear in my mind as anything ever has been, even after five years" he said with a far away look, before coming back to the present and looking right at her again "I'll tell you the tale, if you want to hear it"

"I do" she said softly, wondering how she would bear to have him recall his not-so-permanent death, but desperate to know how he'd ended up back here.

They walked hand in hand from the small office, Spike leading the way to an elevator at the far end of the corridor. The building was almost silent, just a few lights left on here and there for those staff that were working after hours. Buffy had barely been aware just how long she'd been at Wolfram and Hart, in that one room just talking and crying, but it seemed it had been dark for a couple of hours at least.

The only sounds she could hear as the elevator travelled up many floors was the hum of the machine itself and her own breath. Spike seemed to be avoiding looking directly at her as they waited to reach their destination. She wondered what his life, or unlife at least, had been like since he'd returned. There's so much she wanted to know, but she couldn't find the words or the energy to ask right now.

Then there was Angel, who she could hardly let herself think of for fear of bursting into noisy sobs all over again. She wanted to be strong, but it hurt so much to know he was gone, and then there was guilt that she was glad to have Spike here, because she felt she should be a hundred percent sad for her old lovers death and not at all happy about anything...

"Here we are" Spike's voice broke the silence, but just barely as Buffy noticed the doors of the elevator had opened onto a floor that looked different to what you would normally see in an office block. It looked decidedly like a floor in an apartment block. Several fancy wooden doors stood around each with it's own number.

"We keep a couple of spare places up here, for special cases, clients in danger and such..." Spike rambled on, not knowing what else to do or say and finding the silence only made things worse. He led Buffy to a door and unlocked it with a key card from his pocket. Opening the door, he hit a button on the wall right inside, lighting up the large living space/kitchen and two doors through which you could see an equally large bedroom and bathroom "What do you think?" the bleached blond asked her nervously.

Buffy swallowed hard and replied;

"It's...nice"

"You sure?" Spike frowned, pretty sure she was lying, or at least being economical with the truth.

"Yeah" the young woman nodded slightly as she went further into the room, glancing toward the huge windows that looked out over the city "it's just so big and empty..." 

'Like my life' she couldn't help adding in her head, before her hand went to her face and she began to cry all over again, she just couldn't help it. Of course she had her family and friends and this great life back in England, but Angel's death left such a huge void in her heart that she wasn't sure how to deal with yet.

"Oh come here luv" Spike sighed, walking over to her and hugging her close, "Y'know I can't bear to see you cry" he whispered into her hair "never could" he told her, kissing the top of her head. After a few moments she brought her head up from his chest, looking up at him so lost and desolate. All that she'd done to this man all those years ago and now he was being so nice, she didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry" she cried "I should've done something..."

"Now stop that right now" he cut her off forcefully, holding her by the upper arms and making her look at him "You don't have a damn thing to feel sorry about. What happened to Angel was a nasty twist of fate..."

"I don't mean Angel" she said weakly "I mean you"

"You're sorry for me?" he frowned, searching her face for the explanation that seemed unwillingly to come from her lips. He always had trouble reading her properly. So often he'd looked into her eyes and thought he saw something, only to be told he was wrong. Sometimes he'd wondered if she just disagreed with him because she felt like it, but that was then and this was now. So much had changed for both of them, he wasn't willing to make any assumptions.

"Those last few days in Sunnydale" she choked out, looking right into his eyes "you were so good to me and when Angel came...I was so pleased to see him and so awful to you" she steeled herself against further tears until she'd finished saying what she must "and I got all confused, then you left me and I couldn't tell you because you were gone" her voice disappeared completely as she went back into the circle of his arms and cried some more.

"It's okay sweetheart" Spike soothed, eyes closed as a whole flood of half-memories came back to him all at once "We were all mixed up back then, a lot going on, death lurking round every corner" he recalled, rubbing Buffy's back and wishing she'd stop crying so much because God help him he was going to join her in a sea of salt water if he wasn't careful "We don't have to talk about it now" he said, hoping she'd take the hint, but of course his Slayer never did that.

"But we do Spike" she protested, pulling back to look at him again "I have so much I have to say" she told him, taking herself completely out of his embrace and walking away a few steps. Staying there only made her cry for so many reasons and right now she needed to tell him a few things, "There's a lot I need to figure out and I have a whole bunch of questions about what happened with you and with Angel" she told him, pacing a little "I have a hundred thoughts and feelings swimming around inside of me that I can't begin to identify never mind organise" she whirled around and faced him again "but I do know that I should have treated you better on so many occasions and I want to say that I'm sorry for letting you go too easily" she said, sincerely as he'd ever heard her say anything.

"Well, I'm here now" he all but whispered as he caught her gaze with his again "and I don't plan on going anywhere"

She managed half a smile at that thought as he did. There was a whole lot of darkness settled in their hearts right now, but a light shone at the end of a very nasty tunnel. They had each other back in their lives. Somehow that made things just that tiny bit easier to bear.

"I really think you need some sleep" Spike said, tearing his eyes away from her at last, knowing if he didn't he would never leave that room tonight. That would only lead to talking about a lot of things that he wasn't quite prepared for yet, a fight that he really couldn't handle right now or option number three which is a place they'd both been so many times before, none of those times had ever ended well. He shuddered as a few nasty memories shot through his head.

"I'm just next door" he told Buffy, shaking his head to clear thoughts of things he couldn't deal with right now "You need anything at all and you just yell, I'll come running" he smiled slightly, knowing how true it was - that Slayer's lapdog, always was and always would be.

Buffy nodded believing the same, and thinking how alike it was to back in Sunnydale. He always had her back. If she yelled, he really always did come running, every time, even when she hadn't really wanted him to.

"Thankyou Spike" she said softly moving up close to him and daring to place a kiss on his cheek. Such a simple gesture, but it meant the world to him, just as the first real kiss she had given him had done, back when he'd taken torture from Glory so the hellgod never found out Dawn was the Key she so wanted.

"I'll see you in the morning pet" he said as he left her alone at last. The door clicked shut and Buffy whispered a small 'Goodnight' behind him before turning back to survey the 'apartment' she was in.

With a deep breath that turned into a sigh, she wandered through to the bedroom and flopped onto the king size bed she found there. Burying her head amongst the soft pillows, she thought of the only two souled vampires that had ever existed. She thought of Angel and the time they had spent together, the love, the hate, a million things, and now he was gone. Then there was Spike and the same pattern seemed to fit, except he was back, and she didn't know what to think about that either. 

Buffy used to think that being the Slayer made her hard on the inside, unable to love and feel as she should, but on the contrary she'd started to find she fell in love too hard when it came to certain men, and as for feelings, well, she was so overwhelmed by those, there was no doubt in her mind she was no harder on the inside than the pillow she now rested her head on.

* * * * *

Buffy stirred slightly when she felt a hand on her head, stroking her hair back from her face. Her eyes fluttered open and she rolled over towards whomever was there.

"Angel" she gasped when she saw him, half-sitting, half-laying on the bed beside her, "Oh my God" she sat up and flung herself across him, arms holding him as close as she could, "I thought you were dead" she whispered into his shoulder.

"I am" he whispered back, "I have been for a long time" he smiled playfully as she pulled back to look at him. She didn't look at all amused.

"Angel, don't joke about this" she cried and he brought a hand up to her face to wipe away her tears.

"I'm sorry Buffy" he said sincerely, "I just, this is hard for me"

"It can't be any harder than it is for me" she shook her head, making more tears fall from her eyes, "I love you so much and now you're gone"

"I was already gone, baby" he whispered, tucking strands of hair behind her ear, "I know you love me, and I'll always love you, but our time was over a long time ago"

"Don't say that" Buffy sobbed, "Please, I..."

"It's too late" Angel interrupted, taking hold of her wrist and showing her her own hand. She was shocked to see a stake was there in her fingers.

"I don't understand" she cried, and Angel shook his head in agreement.

"No, you really don't" he said, turning her wrist with his hand, "but you will" he added as he pulled on her arm, driving the stake through his own heart.

"No!" Buffy screamed like it was she that had taken the fatal blow to her own heart as she watched her lover fall as dust before her eyes...

"Buffy!" Spike yelled as he ran into the room and found her writhing on the bed, screaming and crying inside a nightmare, "Buffy, luv, wake up" he urged as he sat down on the edge of the bed and reached over to her, attempting to shake her out of her dream-state, "Buffy, come on, wake up"

Sucking in a sharp breath, she finally sat up sharply and looked over to her other side, expecting to find the remains of her old lover. Of course she found nothing.

"Buffy?" Spike repeated her name, unsure as yet is she were as awake as she looked.

"Spike" she suddenly realised he was there, holding her arms and looking at her with a fairly panicked expression, "Oh God, it was my fault" she told him, falling into his arms and crying all over him. It seemed it was becoming a habit today, but what else could he really expect her to do but cry?

"Ssh pet, it's okay, it was just a nightmare, not real" he assured her as he rocked her in his arms and held her tight. She continued to cry for a while longer, before bringing her head up from his shoulder and swallowing hard, trying to find her voice.

"But it is real Spike" she said sadly "He's really gone forever, isn't he?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

Spike reached up to wipe away her latest tears, knowing it was pointless for each one would be replaced by ten more before long. He knew precisely what she was asking, though she'd managed to not mention his name.

"Yes luv" he said, voice a little shaky by now "Angel's really gone...forever"

Buffy nodded and swallowed hard again, desperate to stem the flow of salt water from her eyes. It did no good. He wasn't coming back, but she had one thing left to cling to, another who meant so much to her.

"Please Spike" she said looking so much like a lost little girl "promise me you'll never leave me again" she begged, running her fingers across his forehead and down his cheek, taking in a face she'd dreamt of so many times, sure she would never see again. His eyes fluttered closed at her touch, something he thought he'd never feel in his existence again. Breathing shakily despite the fact he was aware of the fact that he didn't need to do it at all, he made his vow to her.

"I'll be here for as long as you need me, Buffy"

"Promise me" she said immediately and his eyes opened to look directly into hers.

"I promise" he nodded solemnly.

It was several moments before they looked away from each other again and it occurred to Buffy she had been sleeping fully clothed. She did no have the energy to change now, she just wanted to sleep but without the nightmares. For a change, this protector of the innocent needed someone to protect her, not from demons and evil creatures, but from painful thought, feelings, and memories.

"Stay with me" she whispered, not daring to look at him as she asked, "Just hold me" She was ashamed to ask any favours of him after the way she had treated him before, all those years ago, back in Sunnydale.

"Of course, pet" he agreed just as softly, standing to move around to the other side of the bed. He still wore his shirt and pants too, since he'd had no intention of sleeping when he'd left her. Pulling off her shoes and jacket, Buffy climbed back onto the bed next to him.

For a second they looked at each other, unsure as to how this would work, nervous just being so close to each other, on a bed. In one movement his arm slipped round her shoulders and she leaned against him, the two of them fitting together perfectly like they always did, like they'd been made to hold each other like this. There was a lot that need discussing in the morning, a whole lot of questions to be asked and answered, but right now was her time to sleep and his to watch over, just as they had done once before...

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To Be Continued...


	7. Chapter 7

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A/N : Hey, sorry I've taken longer than usual in updating this but I got caught up in 'Innocence' and then a Season 6 ficlet idea popped into my head, but finally here is a new chapter! Thanx to everyone who reviewed; spuffyfan4eva, Rachel, aphelant, SouthernRain, SinisterChis Heather Martin, Malfeus, SlayGal, Turn Off The Tide. 

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 7

"Morning sweetheart" Wesley greeted the woman beside him as she opened her eyes and yawned. He'd lain awake most of the night just watching her sleep. It still amazed him the way things had worked out, how he now had what he most wanted in the world. There were days when he felt he really didn't deserve this wonderful woman and the life he had, but as the old phrase said 'love conquers all'. He only hoped things could work out so well for others...

"Hey" Fred stretched out her body beside him, before leaning over for a quick kiss, "I kinda had a nightmare" she frowned slightly, "there was screaming..."

"That wasn't a nightmare, it was Buffy" Wesley explained, reaching over to push his girlfriends hair from her face, "But not to worry, Spike went to her"

Fred nodded slightly, still sleepy. She noticed though, despite her half-asleep-ness that Wesley's hand was still stroking her hair and he was looking at her with troubled eyes.

"What is it?" she asked him, always knowing when something was wrong.

"I was just thinking" he practically whispered, and Fred was sure she saw tears forming in his eyes, "I can't imagine my life without you in it...everyday we fight and the war is never over, there are passings, people we love...but to lose the one person that you..." his voice completely disappeared and she knew precisely what he was trying to say. She didn't know how she'd cope if she lost him either, and she also knew why he was saying these things today. She pulled him to her and hugged him close, thinking about all that had happened and was happening beyond the relative safety of their room.

Angel, and how he'd been cruelly snatched away from them. How it had hit each one of them, but surprisingly how hard it had hit Spike. Now Buffy was here, and it seemed that tears and screams had been her way of coping, if you could call it coping. Her relationship with Angel had always been a little bit mysterious, something not to be mentioned for fear of the pain it might cause. Now all they could do was hope for a happy ending, but could real life really work out that way for everyone, or anyone?

* * * * *

Spike had not slept all night as he knew he would not. There was no telling how things would play out beyond this one night and he wanted to savour every moment he could be close to his precious Slayer. She might wake up this morning and decide to go straight back home, to England. There were no guarantees anymore, except for that one promise he made last night, that he'd be there as long as she needed him. Would she need him now? That was a question that had spun around in his mind for many hours as he held her close and watched her sleep.

The sun started to rise, he'd felt it coming of course, always did, but the warmth it brought was nothing compared to the glow he felt just lying there with Buffy curled up beside him. They'd done this twice before, the only two nights before this one when he remembered being truly at peace and content with his existence. He hated that it had to end, but it did, and evidentially very soon as he watched Buffy's eyes flutter open.

"Mornin' pet" he smiled down at her, "How're you feeling?"

Blinking hard and stretching her body slightly against him the Slayer considered her answer.

"I dunno" she said after a while, "kinda numb" she shrugged, looking up at him, "you?"

"Glad you're here" he admitted, unable to keep the smile from his lips as he said it, "but other than that, I don't rightly know either"

"I missed you, Spike" she said so quietly he almost didn't here her, as she reached over and hugged him close. Less startled than he might have been before, Spike hugged her back, constantly wondering if her next word would be goodbye and knowing his un-beating heart would break all over again if it was.

"I missed you too, luv, you'll never know how much"

It was a few moments later when they realised they should probably get up and Buffy thought now was as good a time as any to face the rest of the gang. It was little wonder that they hadn't wanted to be there when she was told of Angel's passing. No doubt they knew how upset she would be and likely wondered if she would 'shoot the messenger' as it were. She considered this as Spike went to investigate where her luggage was and also to get himself cleaned up, whilst she herself took a much needed shower.

Spike had been the one to tell her of Angel's death, and the more she thought about that, the more Buffy realised he was the only one who really could. There were others from whom she might not have believed the news, others she probably would have tried to kill for telling her such things...but Spike did what he had always done, he'd told her the truth and adopted crash positions, waiting for whatever reaction might come. Buffy admitted to herself a long time ago that she was not exactly reasonable and rational when it came to those she loved.

It was as she was drying herself off from her shower that Buffy heard someone tapping on the door. She pulled on a towelling robe she found in the bathroom and went to investigate.

"Hey sweetie pie" said the green demon on the other side of the door and the Slayer couldn't help but smile as she reached to hug him.

"Hi Lorne, it's great to see you" she told him as she eventually let go and he came into the room, closing the door behind him.

"Circumstances could've been better, I know" he nodded sadly, before forcing his smile back on his face, "but hey, you're looking incredible girlfriend!"

"Thanks" she laughed, half-heartedly at his enthusiasm. She knew he was just trying to cheer her up as always, weird thing was she knew it would probably work too, despite the terrible news she'd received just hours ago.

"I met Spikey in the corridor, he said he was off to find the luggage of the sweet Slay-Gal that we all know and adore, and the thought occurred that he'd left ya in here all on your lonesome, and we just couldn't let that happen" Lorne grinned taking a seat on the sofa and dragged Buffy down with him.

"I'm grateful that you wanted to see me Lorne" she smiled, "and I know you're trying to cheer me up, I think it might even have worked...but he was your friend too, and it's okay to not be one-hundred percent happy y'know" she spoke of course of Angel as the friend he'd lost and the smile fell from Lorne's face.

"And here was me thinking *I* was the empath in the room" he sighed, looking down at his shoes.

"Hey" Buffy managed a small smile, putting her hand over his, "It doesn't take demon mind reading sensor stuff to know that it hurts when people die, when those you love have to go away..." the end of her sentence disappeared into thin air as she swallowed hard and fought back tears, thinking not just of Angel but of others whom she had lost. Her mother, Tara, Anya, a couple of young Slayers she'd trained and been fond of that hadn't made it to any kind of respectable age, and Spike whom she was just trying to get used to having back...

"Hey" a voice called from the door, as the vampire himself dragged in a pair of suitcases and a couple of other bags, Gunn following with almost as much baggage, "how many outfits does a Slayer need?"

"I didn't know what I was coming here for" she defended herself, "or how long I'd be staying"

"Well" Gunn sighed as he dropped all the bags and cases on the floor in a pile with those Spike had brought, "I think I can skip the gym today"

Buffy managed a smile at his joke, and Spike was glad to see she hadn't lost the total inability to do that. He wanted her to have a life of laughter and sun and joy, she shouldn't be crying over vampires and fighting apocalypses, she was too special for that. His thoughts ran away with him and he suddenly realised he'd missed half the conversation.

It seemed after a greeting and a hug with Gunn, Buffy had been persuaded that as soon as she was dressed, she really ought to eat something, even if she protested and said she wasn't in the least bit hungry. Lorne and Gunn left the room and it was only then that Spike snapped out of his daze. Buffy noticed his lost expression.

"You zone out there or what?" she asked him.

"Reckon I must've" he agreed, "I should go, let you get changed and stuff..." he realised, "I'll see you downstairs" he made for the door and she called behind him.

"They seem okay" she realised, "like they're getting over it" he turned back to look at her without saying a word, "how long has he been gone?"

"Ten days, luv" Spike said sadly, "and we would have called you sooner 'cept...well, we kind of had to deal ourselves first before..."

"Before you could cope with a manic Slayers scrambled-emotions?" she attempted humour but found it didn't come out quite how she meant it to.

"Partly" he admitted with a nod, "Mostly though...it's my fault"

She looked at him questioningly and he knew he couldn't get away without explaining. His hand went to the door and he pulled it half closed as he exited, answering her question only when he knew he could make a quick escape straight after.

"Before I let them ask you to come here...I had to make sure I was strong enough to watch you walk away from me again"

Buffy eyes filled with new tears as the door clicked shut and it really hit her how much she still meant to Spike. It seemed he loved her as much as he ever had and the thought of seeing her again only to have her leave soon after was an awful concept in his mind. Right now, Buffy wasn't thinking about if and when she might be leaving here, only about what was happening at this moment and what had happened before.

The past she could not change, the future was looking decidedly hazy, it seemed the present was all she had to focus on. Angel would not want her to sit and mope on his behalf, and she found that although it hurt so much to know he was gone, she could bear to face the world, albeit one step at a time.

With a deep breath she went to pick up her suitcase, opening it up and selecting an outfit to wear. She would get dressed, fix her hair and make-up and face the people who had requested her presence here. She would be strong but at the same time share their grief and sadness. She was not alone, not here or anywhere, and despite the pain, she had plenty to thank the Powers for. Friends, loved ones, those who she had been fortunate enough to find again...as usual her thoughts had gone full circle, and here she was again with her mind half on Angel and half on Spike...

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To Be Continued...


	8. Chapter 8

A/N : Finally got around to updating this fic again. Thanx to Spuffyfan4eva, Malfeus, Turn off the Tide, Sunglasses-At-Night, SlayGal [noticed that little reference, did ya? :-)], SinisterChic Heather Martin, Rachel, and rubi-elektra for the reviews on the previous chapter, and also to Spikes Bint who is working her way through this fic too. I appreciate every single review from you guys and I'm glad you like the story. Here's the next chapter...

(_For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)_

Chapter 8

The LA gang and Buffy had breakfast in the conference room, and mostly they were silent throughout. Everyone had plenty to think about and most were too afraid of saying anything for fear of upsetting someone else.

Spike was very aware of Buffy watching him, or more accurately, looking at him when she didn't think he knew about it. He self-consciously swirled the blood in his mug and only drank when she glanced away, all the time very conscious of his demon trying to come to the surface in response to the plasma going down his throat. He'd waited too long to see her again, the last thing he wanted to do was remind her of the monster that lurked inside the man.

When each persons share of the food was gone, there was no excuse left not to speak. It was Wesley that eventually broke the silence, causing everyone to turn their attention to him. The fact that he sat at the side of the table with the others did not go un-noticed, the head of the table was left empty.

"We were considering a ceremony" the ex-Watcher told Buffy, "to properly say goodbye" he explained and the Slayer nodded slowly. Angel could not have a funeral, there was no body to bury or even ashes to scatter, the dust would have been lost amongst so much other debris.

"It's a good idea" she said quietly, as she fought back further tears. Fred, who sat to her left reached out a hand to cover hers, and the women shared a sad smile.

Both had seen so much in their young lives, lived through so much pain and fear and loss. Spike watched the look pass between them and couldn't help but smile a little. Fred was a sweet girl, and he'd often thought that maybe if he hadn't been so in love with Buffy and she in love with Wes, perhaps they might have meant more to each other. As it was she was another sister-figure for him, much like Dawn had been.

So lost in his thoughts, the vampire did not notice that everybody had left the room, until the door clicking shut caught his attention. Just he and Buffy remained now.

"You seem to be making a habit of spacing out on me" she commented as he came out of his daze to find her turned in her seat and staring at him.

"Sorry, pet" he apologised, "Just got a lot on my mind lately"

"I get that" the Slayer nodded, "but you have an advantage on me" she told him, "you have all the information, and you kinda belong here now...I feel..." she stumbled over what she meant to say and Spike frowned. He'd love to have asked precisely what it was she felt but he was too afraid of the answer, so the question went unasked and Buffy's sentence unfinished. She rose from her seat and walked over to the window, finding it all so much harder than she thought she would.

"Tell me your story, Spike" she said, eyes fixed on the view, "Tell me how you got here"

The vampire sighed, half relieved and yet half disappointed that the moment had been lost. Still, he had promised to impart the tale of his death and return to her if she wanted to hear it and here she was now asking, so he would tell.

"Well" he began, feeling strange facing the other way, back to back with the person he was addressing, but not daring to turn around yet, "I remember, I told you to run from the Hellmouth" he decided to start there, completely bypassing the words they'd shared, what had happened when she'd held his hand and those three words she'd said. Now wasn't the time...

"Then the light got stronger, I could feel the heat and, it was painful, obviously, burning me away, but it also felt right, pure, like for the first time in my life I belonged, I was doing something right and...well, it probably sounds stupid to you..."

"No" Buffy surprised herself as well as Spike by interrupting. He turned his head and looked at her over his shoulder just as she turned to face him, "It's not stupid" she promised him, and they shared a look before she said "please, go on"

He got up from his seat and came to stand beside her, and she watched his ever changing expression as he watched the world go by and told his story.

"Then it was over, I was gone, at least I thought I was. Don't really remember anything then until I was standing here, right in this room" he looked thoughtful as he glanced across the table and chairs, remembering the instance, "There I was, face to face with him, with Angel" he told her, catching her eyes with his for a second, before returning his attention to the window, "I was tied to the amulet, Wes and Fred did some digging around, didn't tell the rest of the company, didn't rightly know what the hell was going on for a while...anyway, the downside to my being back was I was as incorporeal as the bloody First Evil thing had been, plus every trip to the front doors made me pop straight back to wherever the amulet was" when he fell silent Buffy prompted him.

"So how come you're all solid again now?"

"A spell" he said simply, "Always about the mojo, ain't it?" he shrugged, his hands deep in his pockets and a lop-sided smile on his face. Buffy could so easily have taken herself back in time to the days before the fall of Sunnydale, he hadn't changed, not in most ways, but she had, and she wasn't sure what that meant for the future.

"Bit more to it than that of course" she shook her head as she realised he was still speaking and she wasn't completely listening, "but that's all details that I don't really understand myself...but that brought me back to my solid self, still vamped as ever, but still with my soul"

"Y'know what I think?" Buffy said, staring out of the window again, the roles reversed as Spike watched her instead, "I think you're just trying to copy me by refusing to stay dead" she turned her head and smiled at him as he suddenly realised she was joking. It was so long since they'd done that, smiled together like they really meant it. There was a long way to go, but it was a start.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Hey Wes" Buffy managed a smile as she entered his office, less than an hour after breakfast.

"Buffy, what can I do for you?" he asked, getting up and walking around his desk.

"I was thinking about what you said" the Slayer told him, "About a ceremony for Angel...I don't know exactly what you had in mind but I think it could be a good idea, for all of us"

"I'm glad you agree" Wesley nodded, "I thought he deserved some sort of goodbye, I know there are those amongst us who need the closure"

"Spike" Buffy cut in, knowing Wesley must have noticed the connection the vampire had talked about between himself and his grand-sire, "He told me they got closer"

"They did" the ex-Watcher agreed, "which I must say surprised me, and I know it surprised Angel, but I think perhaps when forced into a situation as they were, you learn to adapt as it were"

"I guess" Buffy agreed, not completely listening, still wondering what it must have been like to have her two favourite vampires getting along, something she'd never seen, and now never would.

"Buffy?" Wesley said again when she didn't answer.

"I'm sorry Wes" she replied as she shook herself out of her daze, "My head seems to spend half it's time some place other-where" she smiled.

"That's quite alright" he assured her, "Er, not that I wish to pry" he continued, not looking at her much now as he spoke, "but how are things with you and Spike"

"Like they always were" she replied easily, and he looked up, hoping for further explanation "Undefined" came her answer.

Wesley just smiled a little and nodded. He knew from what both Angel and Spike had told him that things had never been exactly normal in the bleach blond's relationship with the Slayer. He also knew that there was no doubt at all both vampires loved Buffy more than anything else in the world, and it had torn them both apart trying to stay away from her after the collapse of Sunnydale five years ago.

Now Angel was gone, Buffy was back, and as the Slayer herself said, it left things very undefined, in more ways than one.

"Spike told me you and Fred are together now" the blonde changed the subject smoothly, "She's a sweet girl, I'm glad you're happy together"

"Thankyou" Wesley said sincerely touched by her words, "though I often wonder how she can love someone like me...I've changed a lot Buffy, I so often feel like I don't deserve her..."

"Talking to the wrong person about love, Wes" the Slayer smiled, "but I do know that it doesn't matter what you do, good or bad, if someone truly loves you that doesn't go away, whether you want it to or not. Real love lasts, forever and beyond everything else...and listen to me, being all crazy-emotional psych-student Buffy" she ended with a half-laugh, half-sob as tears ran down her cheeks, "I should go, you have work to do" she said as she wiped them away.

Wesley nodded as he watched her head for the door.

"So, the ceremony?" he called behind her and she turned back to reply.

"This afternoon, if it's possible?" she suggested, "I'd just like it to be over, y'know?"

Wesley nodded he understood as the Slayer finally left the room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Buffy was half comforted, half distressed by the silence of her room at Wolfram and Hart. For the most part she was glad to be alone, since she really didn't know what to say to Angel's friends. She didn't know precisely what she was feeling, apart from obvious grief over a loved ones death, and it wasn't like before when she lost others. These weren't her friends, or they were but not in the same way as the Scoobies back in England. The only person here who she felt really close to was Spike and talking to him was hardest of all.

From that day when Spike had first admitted to loving Buffy, their relationship had been undefined, maybe even before that when he got the chip and began to fight the same enemy that the Slayer and her friends did, but now it was worse than ever. The final words the vampire had heard before he died had been 'I love you' from her own lips, and yet Buffy wasn't sure what that meant to him anymore, or even if she'd meant it the way it sounded. She did love him, that she was sure of, just as she loved Willow and Xander, but whether she was in love with him, that was something she'd never been one hundred percent certain about.

There were times, before and after she lost him, when she thought maybe she was in love with him, or she had been at some point, but at first it seemed fruitless because she believed it could never work between them, and then he was gone and it was pointless to an even larger extent.

Now he was back. There was no excuse of Angel standing in her way, and she couldn't use the vampire issue since she was always bringing up the subject of her love for Angel, and the soul clause was out since Spike had battled to have his returned to him.

Nothing solid stood between them, if they wanted to have some sort of relationship, and yet that was the problem. Buffy was still not certain about what kind of relationship she wanted them to have, or if Spike still wanted her that way. It had been five years since she'd last seen him, he'd changed a lot, as she felt she had too. So much had altered in both their lives, Angel's death being the latest big event.

When they'd talked earlier, in the conference room, it had hurt so much to hear of Spike's death all over again, and yet it warmed her heart to hear how he came back and how he was eventually accepted into the group at Wolfram and Hart. It made Buffy realise that his getting along with the grand-sire he professed to hate so much made Spike happy, because it meant he fit in somewhere, he had a strange kind of family, and he never truly had that anywhere else.

After his explanations, and a short narration from her about her move to England and the current situation there, Buffy had thought it best to exit stage left before things got complicated. Talking to him was almost too comfortable and familiar, she could feel herself going back five or six years, when they used to sit in his crypt and later her own basement, just talking. He was always the best listener, she smiled at the thought, that at least had not changed.

A tapping on the door broke the Slayer from her thoughts and she called 'come in' only to see Fred appear. The Texan told her Wesley was arranging the ceremony for Angel to be in just a couple of hours in the lately departed vampires office, over-looking the city. It seemed fitting and Buffy agreed it was a good idea. Everyone would get a chance to say something about Angel, a sort of goodbye, and then apparently Spike had something he had to do, though as yet no-one knew what that was. Buffy frowned as Fred left her alone again. Clearly Angel had told Spike something that he wanted to happen if he should go first. She wondered why he hadn't told her about it though

'Well' she sighed to herself as she looked through her cases for something suitable to wear, 'I guess I'll find out in a couple of hours'. Right now she had to concentrate on getting through her final goodbye to her first true love and that was almost scarier than anything else she'd ever faced.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : My next update will be Chapter 3 of 'Our Little Secret'...at least, that's the plan at the moment!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N : The problem with this story is I keep making myself wanna cry when I re-read parts of it! This chapter especially has several emotional moments...if you care that Angel's dead that is, I know some people don't, lol. Thanks for the great reviews - Courtney37, SweetBitter, rubi-elektra, Malfeus, Spuffyfan4eva, Spikes Bint (glad you finally got caught up!), Alliegirl, Spuffyluvr, Rachel, SinisterChic HeatherMartin, Selena Style, SlayGal, Tasha Carol Williams, Tikkika - I appreciate every single one of your complimentary words :-) Sorry this chapter is a bit short but I hope you appreciate it all the same. Oh, for anyone that's interested I am also updating 'Innocence' tonight.

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 9

"We are here today to pay tribute and to say goodbye to our friend, Angel" Wesley began, swallowing hard as the emotion of the occasion caught up with him, "He meant something to all of us here, he was a great friend as well as a great warrior and he will be greatly missed..." he trailed off as he looked at those standing before him, Buffy in the centre with Spike to one side and Fred the other, Lorne and Gunn flanking them. Everyone looked so sombre and still, not at all how they usually appeared.

"I would like to take the first opportunity in thanking the Powers That Be for giving us the chance to know him and work alongside him" Wesley continued eventually, "You will be missed Angel" he said towards a framed photograph that had been placed on the desk, "but you will also be forever remembered"

With a silent sigh, the ex-Watcher walked over to Fred's side and Gunn took his turn to stand before the group.

"I'm not good with the fancy speeches" he admitted, "and as y'all know I wasn't that much of a vamp fan to start with, even the souled variety, but Angel proved to me that anyone can be good if they really want to be, if they're willing to try...You were a hell of a guy to know, man" he told the photo just as Wes had done, "Rest in peace, bro"

He joined the line of friends again and Fred took her turn, glad of the way Wesley squeezed her hand before she stepped up. Tears were already in her eyes before she even began to speak.

"When I got lost in Pylea, I thought that was all my life would ever be...because of Angel, I was saved from that place and brought here" her voice cracked with emotion and tears rolled down her face as she continued, "I've found friends, and people I love, and I've made a life that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, I wanna thank you for that Angel and for being a great friend to all of us" she ended by placing a red rose on the desk by the photograph before going back to Wesley's side and crying on his shoulder.

Spike encouraged Lorne to step up next, since he needed to be last and figured Buffy wasn't quite ready to face this yet, if she ever would be. The green demon nodded and took the stage as it were, taking a deep breath before he began.

"Well, you know me Angel-cakes" he half-smiled at the picture, "there's only one way I know to communicate...I know this one of your favourites so, this ones for you sweetie" he managed a smile before he started to sing.

"I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice, shadows of a man, a face through the window, crying in the night..."

No-one could supress a smile or a tear at the song Angel had such affection for, even Buffy seemed to understand the relevance of it. Spike shook his head, almost laughing. It was a beautifully humorous way to send off his grande-sire.

As Lorne returned to his place in the line a few minutes later, the Slayer knew it was now her turn. Spike's hand on her shoulder right before she stepped forward helped a little but this was still one of the hardest things she would ever have to do, say goodbye to her first true love. She swallowed hard as she glanced at the picture of him before turning to face his friends.

"Angel was the first man I ever truly loved" she began somewhat shakily, "I knew deep down it would never work out between us, too much stood in our way, but I still loved him and I always will" she choked out, tears rolling down her face in waves and she fought to say all she wanted to, "I wish I'd have had the courage to come here before, and see how happy he was working alongside his friends. I wish a lot of things, but it's too late for that. I have to say goodbye now, however much it hurts" her voice cracked again on the word 'goodbye' but she struggled on regardless, turning back to the photograph and running a finger around the frame, "You will always be in my heart" she promised, before kissing her fingers and placing them on the picture. With one last glance at it, she turned back and went to stand between Spike and Fred again, noticing that she had caused just about everyone else to cry as well as herself. She was perhaps most shocked to see the vampire wipe away a tear or two.

Now it was his turn, and Spike found he was a lot more nervous than he normally would be about anything. A conversation he'd had with Angel, one day years ago when they'd had a fight about Buffy and then they'd both got more than slightly drunk. The fight had been about Buffy as most of their disagreements had, but the liquor brought out emotions afterwards that made the older vamp divulge a secret that he'd never told anyone before...

"What can I say that hasn't already been said?" Spike asked rhetorically as he stood before the gang, "Angel and me, we weren't the best of friends, but by the end, well, we had some kind of understanding. I wouldn't exist the way I do if not for him" he reminded them, as memories of being the Scourge of Europe bounced around in his mind, "He was family, in a funny sort of way, and we had more in common that we ever cared to admit" he smiled slightly, as he looked pointedly at Buffy before turning to the photograph on the desk, "There's no denying we pissed each other off a whole lot of the time, but maybe we helped each other too. Today, I'll keep the promise I made years ago" he fought to keep his composure as he walked over to a painting that hung on the wall and removed it, before pushing a button he found there, "I know you will have made it" he continued to speak as if to Angel as a section of the wall shifted up into the ceiling, "to whatever place the good guys go in the end...rest in peace mate" he finished as he stepped aside to reveal to the group what had been hidden in the wall, "you've earned it"

Silently the old Angel Investigations squad and the Slayer stared at Spike at the space in the wall where a safe resided. None of them ever knew it was there or what it held, but Spike knew and had done for quite some time. Today was the day that he explained.

"Not long after I arrived here" he began again, "Me and Angel had a...well, it was one helluva fight and after that there was a lot of alcohol and we talked things over, a lot of things that aren't important now...but he told me something that I swore to keep a secret until the day came when..." he trailed off finding it hard to explain this. He gave up with words, instead turning to actions and opening the safe with a code he'd had memorised for almost five years but had never used.

Eventually the door clicked open and reaching inside Spike produced a pile of envelopes. He walked towards the group with them in his hand, stopping just a pace or so away. From the top of the pile of envelopes he took a single sheet of paper and read aloud from it. The friends all guessed it was Angels words that he spoke.

"Eventually we all have to leave this world, and it's always hardest on those we leave behind. I know that fighting the good fight like I do means I'm risking myself all the time. I don't want to go without getting a chance to say goodbye to the people that matter to me so I am writing my final words to you now, in the hope that it is a long time before you ever need to read them, Angel" Spike ended with tears in his eyes as he put down the piece of paper and carefully handed out the envelopes, each one with their name on in Angels flowing hand-writing. At the end there were three left without owners.

"This one says Cordelia on it" he told them, "this one Faith, and this one..." he trailed off as the gang waited expectantly for the other name, but he couldn't tell them, it was too much to explain right now and he didn't have the strength, "this one is something else" he shook his head, indicating it didn't matter as he stuffed the final envelope into his duster pocket - the one that read simply 'Connor'.

- - - - - - - - -

Buffy was alone in her room again, this time cradling an envelope in her hands, tracing the pattern of her name in Angels handwriting with her finger across the paper surface. This was his final words to her, his last goodbye and as much as she wanted to know what he had to tell her, she was afraid of what it might say. If she did this, opened up the letter and read the words, he'd truly be gone, there'd be nothing left.

On the other hand, she realised, it would then be over. The ceremony was done, she'd said her goodbye, once she'd given Angel the chance to do the same, then this chapter of her life could begin it's close and she could move on as she had before when Spike had left her, but now he was back and that was a whole other thing that she couldn't quite deal with yet.

With a deep breath she decided she owed Angel this much. She must read the words he wanted her to know. With shaking hands she pulled out the single sheet of paper and began to read;

'Buffy,

It's hard to know where to start a letter like this. If you're reading this it means I'm gone from this world, but there's no way of me knowing how far into your future you are. As I write this it is the Summer of 2006, and this is a new version of something I have written so many times before. I started doing this not long after I came to LA, knowing that my time could be up at any moment and that I didn't want to go without telling you a few things. Of course our lives are constantly changing so I often feel the need to re-write what went before.

First I want you to know that I love you, I always have, and nothing will ever change that not even my final death. I want you to remember me and the good times we had. Don't cry too much over my passing, I want you to move on with your life and live happily ever after somehow, it's all I ever wanted for you, Buffy.

Second I have to make a confession. I was part of the reason that Spike never came to find you. When he first arrived there was a lot of confusion and he wasn't sure whether coming to find you was for the best or not. I helped to convince him to leave you alone, and if I made the wrong decision then I'm truly sorry, but I only wanted what was best for you.

Lastly, I want to wish you the happiest life you can possibly have. You deserve the best Buffy, the happiness and the love, and I hope you get that. I could say a million things to you, but there is no point now. I am gone from your life, hopefully gone but not forgotten, but still I want you to live now, in a way you never could have done with me.

Love you always Buffy

Angel'

With tears already pouring down her cheeks, the Slayer laid down on her bed, letting the paper slip from her fingers as she cried her heart out. She was crying for the loss of a vampire she loved so dearly. She cried because he'd loved her so much. She cried because despite the darkness his death caused her to be in, she felt guilty, as she looked up and saw Spike in her doorway, and realised there was a light at the end of the tunnel...

To Be Continued...


	10. Chapter 10

A/N : Thanx to; Spuffyfan4eva, Brad, B/S Rox, SinisterChic Heather Martin, Rachel, velja, rubi-elektra, leticia, Spuffyluvr, Lady Starlight, Amanda, BtVS-and-PotC-Fan, for the great reviews. I'm sorry if I made most of you cry! This chapter might cause a few more tears and if it does then I apologise in advance.

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

**[Extra A/N : This was all ready to be posted last night but things went kablooey and it didn't happen, sorry!]**

Chapter 10

When the group had dispersed from Angel's office, Spike stayed behind. He knew this day would come eventually, the day when he found out exactly what his grand-sire thought of him. For reasons he couldn't figure out at all, the younger vampire was partially afraid of what he might find written inside this envelope.

'Stop being a poncy bugger and read the damn thing' he told himself angrily, as he sat down on the edge of the desk, tearing open the envelope and pulling out the one sheet of paper it contained.

'Spike,

I honestly don't know where to start with this. Despite the arguments and fights we've had, you probably know me better than a lot of the other people in my life. We had some times Spike my boy, no doubt you remember just as clearly as I do.

You've come a long way these past years, and I hope that in some way I helped with that. Now I'm gone, well, I have no doubt a celebration is on your mind.

All I can do is ask you one final favour. I don't know how far into the future it is that you're reading this, but if Buffy is still around, just make sure she gets my final goodbye to her. I know you love her, as much as it pains me to admit it. I can't tell you what to do, I've tried before and it never works, but one way or another, just make sure she's happy for me. It's all I ever wanted for her.

Not much else I can say now Spike, except stick at the redemption thing, because I'm pretty sure it's gonna pay of for the both of us.

Angel'

Spike continued to stare at the letter even after he'd finished reading it. His old

grande-sire and him, they'd been through a lot, good and bad. It was still weird to

know he'd never see him again, but it pleased him to know the old git did care, just a

little, he wanted him to succeed at being a good man, and he would.

He'd half expected Angel to mention Buffy in his final words to him. He wanted him

to make sure the Slayer was happy, Spike almost laughed at that. He'd never known

what was right for her, never could quite tell what she was thinking or what she

wanted, he wondered if she knew herself half the time. What Spike did know was that

he'd missed her horribly these past five years and that he still loved her with all

that he had and all that he was, that would never change. Now all he had to do was

find out what he meant to her, if anything at all.

With a determined feeling flowing through him, he pocketed Angel's letter and headed for the room where Buffy was staying. He had to talk to her about this, had to know what her plans were for now, for her life. Should he expect to be a part of it? As awful as his timing was, and he knew it really was, he couldn't keep on second-guessing her, he had to know the truth.

When Spike arrived outside the door of the small 'apartment', he wondered whether

to knock or just walk in, then he heard a tiny sound, a sobbing. His Slayer was crying

again and it pained him to hear it. Without further thought he crept inside, across the

living area to her bedroom door. He pushed it open and stood there just watching her

sob into her pillow, Angel's last words to her lying on the carpet. As if she sensed his presence her head lifted and she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm sorry, Slayer" the words fell out of his mouth without his brain even engaging.

Buffy sniffed and pulled herself up to a sitting position, wiping her face on her sleeve.

"For what?" she asked, her voice barely audible as he stepped nervously into the room.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting" he admitted, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his back to her, "and that I'm hurting, and that things haven't turned out the way they should"

"Nothing ever does" Buffy sighed lightly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He turned at the sound of her voice and the feel of her touch, unable to help the half-smile that formed on his lips. He was pleased to see her return it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you too" he couldn't look her in the eye when he said it, as he placed his hand over hers, "I should have called or something, I never wanted you to mourn for me. You already have too many reasons to cry"

"I loved you" she said, also unable to meet his eyes as she spoke, "I was never going to get through your death without crying"

Spike almost physically flinched at her use of the past tense. She loved him, back then it had been true, but now it seemed things were different just like he thought.

"I loved you too" he reminded her, sticking with the past as she had for now, not daring to risk his heart again so soon, "and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done letting go of you"

Whether he meant telling her to run from the Hellmouth or using all his will-power to not call her when he returned to this plain of existence, Buffy wasn't sure, but she read meaning into his words - he loved her then, he didn't love her that way anymore.

Further tears fell down the blonde Slayer's cheeks as she let her hand slip from the vampire's shoulder. It hurt that he didn't want her the way he used to, but a part of her had to wonder if what she felt for him was as strong as it seemed. It'd been five years since they saw each other last, she'd just lost a man she'd loved since she was fifteen, there were factors that made the situation unusual - how was anyone supposed to judge their true emotions?

The phone by the side of the bed rang into life, the harsh sound startling both occupants of the room. When Buffy made no move, Spike got to his feet and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh, Mr Spike, we've been trying to locate you" one of the chief receptionists of Wolfram & Hart told him, "Miss Burkle said we might find you in Miss Summers room"

"What do you want?" Spike snapped a little more than he meant to, catching the girls sharp intake of breath at his tone, "I'm sorry, Kimberley" he apologised, "What is it you needed me for?"

"Er, well" she began awkwardly, "there is a call for Mr Angel and as instructed, being a personal call, I was trying to find you so you could take it"

Spike frowned and Buffy looked on, wondering what was being said on the other end of the line.

"Who's calling for him?" he asked cautiously.

"A Miss Willow Rosenburg, sir" came the reply, and Spike closed his eyes and sighed. Buffy looked up at him with a slight frown and, covering the mouth-piece with his hand, he spoke to her.

"Red's on the phone" he explained, "I've been taking all Angel's personal calls, breaking the news..."

"I haven't called home since I got here" she interrupted "just at the airport to let them know I arrived okay..." her voice trailed away as she thought of her friends back in England and how happy they'd been before this, before she'd come back to LA. Willow, Xander, Dawn, Giles, Faith - no-one back there knew that Angel was gone or that Spike had been in LA this whole time.

"Buffy, luv" Spike placed a hand on her shoulder the phone still in his other hand as he tried to get her attention, "I know it's tough for you, Slayer" he sympathised as she looked over at him again, hardly noticing that he reverted back to the nick-name he'd used for so long "but I think you're going to have to be the one to tell her...she doesn't even know I'm here, it might be one shock too many for the poor little witch"

Buffy nodded, holding out her hand to take the phone from him. Spike handed it to her and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" she called behind him, and he turned back, "I know it's stupid but this might be easier with you here with me" she said in a small voice. With a nod he came to sit beside her on the bed again as the receptionist connected the call.

"Hey Will, it's Buffy" the Slayer greeted her friend, "I'm sorry I didn't call before"

"That's okay" Spike heard her response with his vampire hearing, "We were just kinda worried is all"

"I know, and I'm sorry, it's just..." Buffy paused trying to gather her strength to impart the news that would be as painful for her to say as it would be for her friend to hear, Willow had always got on well with Angel, "Willow, something happened to Angel, that's why I had to come here" without moving her eyes from an invisible spot on the carpet, Buffy shifted her right hand across her lap onto Spike's where his own were, linking her fingers with his as if to draw strength from his presence beside her, "Willow, Angel's dead" she finally forced out and Spike heard the loud gasp on the other end of the line.

Soon Willow was crying hard and Xander, who'd been standing beside her the whole time, took the phone from his girlfriend and spoke to a tearful Buffy.

"I'm sorry, Buff" the brunette sighed, "Despite everything, I know what he meant to you"

Buffy knew Xander had always hated Angel and his being so nice about all this only served to upset her more. Her voice went away as tears rolled down her cheeks and Spike could hear the boy on the other end of the phone frantically calling the Slayers name. Letting her fingers slip from his, the vampire wrapped one arm around Buffy's shoulders, holding her close as he took hold of the phone with the other hand.

"Hello Xander" he said as casually as he could, finding it strange to use the brunettes real name, and after so long too.

"Who is this?" Spike could almost see the frown that Willow witnessed as she brought her head up from Xander's chest and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes, completely confused both by her boyfriends question and the fairly loud English voice she could hear coming through the phone.

"Who do you think it is, whelp?" the vampire, couldn't help a slight smirk as he imagined the shocked look on Xander's face right now.

"Spike?" he gasped, "How? What? How?"

"Long story, mate" he sighed as Buffy sobbed into his shoulder, "but I don't have time to tell it right now. The Slayer here is pretty upset still"

"Will too" Xander said automatically, mind still reeling at the concept of Spike being not as dead as he'd thought!

"I'll get Buffy to give you lot a ring as soon as she feels better, okay?" the vamp promised, "In the meantime, you might wanna break the news to everyone there...all of it" he added, rubbing a hand on Buffy's back as her breathing evened out and her tears slowed.

"Okay" Xander agreed though he wasn't really thinking straight right now. The pair quickly said their goodbyes before hanging up the phone and comforting their respective teary-eyed girls.

"You okay now, pet?" Spike checked, head tilted as Buffy dis-entangled herself from him and wiped her face with her hands. She nodded, sniffing loudly and composing herself again. Spike gave her a half-smile which she couldn't quite manage to return.

"S'pose you miss them?" he asked her, knowing how close the Scooby gang had always been and probably still were now.

"I do" Buffy forced out, voice hoarse from crying, "That's part of the reason why I was thinking..." she paused as she brought her eyes up from her lap to meet his gaze, "I was thinking maybe I should go home soon" not letting on that what the other big reason was - she believed he wasn't in love with her anymore.

"So soon?" Spike asked too fast, inwardly cursing himself for pressuring her or making himself look desperate - two things he'd promised not to do this time around.

"I've done what I came here to do" she shrugged, "now, well, there's not really a reason for me to stay, is there?" the last part was partially a rhetorical question, but a large part of her really wished Spike would give her a reason. She wanted to know if she'd been wrong, if he did still love her...she almost started to cry all over again when he broke eye contact and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"I s'pose not" he said sadly, not realising what she wanted him to say. He assumed she didn't want to stay because she didn't love him. That last little flame of hope he'd been holding onto, that she might really still be in love with him, if she ever was before, finally went out.

Without a word, he got up from the edge of the bed, walked over to the door and left, Buffy's eyes following him until he was out of sight. Behind her the sun set and the almost full moon rose to shine over the city, the night-clubs making the streets come alive with people. Still, for Spike and Buffy, tonight would be the darkest and loneliest night they'd experienced for a long time.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Before you all go crazy at me, please remember that this story will have Spuffy love...eventually! ;-) And for anyone who is interested, I'm making big progress with the next chapter of 'Our Little Secret' so you can expect that to be posted in the next couple of days :-) Now, reviewing is always of the good...


	11. Chapter 11

A/N : Thanx to; Culf, helaine, rubi-elektra, Spuffyluvr, Spuffyfan4eva, BtVS-and-PotC-Fan, Rachel, Lady Starlight, SweetBitter, SlayGal, Stacy75, krazy4spike. I really do appreciate all the commentsand I'm sorry thay I keep making you all cry! This story was not supposed to be so entirely depressing but I guess it's unavoidable when you kill the characters! Honestly, I do like Angel, hence the fact they are all being nice about his death. Anyway, here's the next chapter...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 11

"You know you really don't have to rush off so soon" Wesley told the Slayer immediately after her 'I'm leaving' speech to him, "We're quite happy to have you stay here as long as you want" he assured her, wondering what had promoted this sudden wish to get away.

Buffy stood on the other side of his desk, fiddling with the objects on the edge, and keeping her eyes down until she finally spoke.

"I know Wes and I appreciate it really" she told him with a small smile, before her expression shifted, "but there's nothing to keep me here" she said somewhat sadly, wishing of course that a certain vampire had given her a reason to stay.

"Not even Spike?" the ex-Watcher dared to ask, knowing he shouldn't but also so very aware of how much Buffy meant to the souled vamp.

"Is that your business?!" the Slayer snapped, immediately regretting being so harsh as Wesley practically hit the ceiling "I'm sorry" she apologised, "I didn't mean to..."

"No, you're right" he interrupted "I shouldn't have asked"

The two stood either side of the desk in silence for a moment before he spoke again.

"If you're set on leaving so soon at least let us supply the transportation. We have private jets, you could choose your time, and travel back in relative luxury"

After the cramped and stuffy conditions of her flight over, Buffy couldn't help but accept with a smile.

"What time should I tell the pilot to be ready for?" was Wesley's next question as he reached for the phone on his desk.

"Well, that all depends" the man frowned at Buffy's response, looking at her with a questioning glance "if it's okay with you" the Slayer explained "there's one more thing I'd like to do before I go"

"Name it" Wesley nodded once, waiting to hear her request. It wasn't quite what he'd expected.

- - - - - - - -

From the balcony, Fred could see through the glass into Wesley's office and also down below to where Spike paced around, clearly agitated. She'd managed to get half an explanation out of him as to the reason for his strange mood. Buffy was leaving. The young woman had gone to find the Slayer after that, not sure what she would say to her - she didn't like to put her opinion in where it wasn't needed or wanted, but she'd spent five years getting to know Spike, she had an affection for him, and she knew how hurt he would be when Buffy walked out those doors.

On her way up to the staff quarters, Fred had spotted the Slayer going into Wesley's office. Her lip reading skills weren't too bad and from the balcony she found she could make out about half of what was being said in the nearby room, and at the same time she could keep an eye on Spike.

"Lookin' pretty serious in there, ain't it?" Gunn appeared behind her, his voice making her jump slightly as she was concentrating so hard on another (silent) conversation "What's the deal?" the man asked as he leant on the rail beside her.

"She's leaving" Fred told him sadly, eyes still fixed on the pair "as soon as possible"

"Why so fast?" Gunn frowned "I thought she and Spike were pretty tight"

"Seems we were wrong" Fred sighed, finally shifting her gaze back down to the blond vamp "I know he loves her but I just don't know about her feelings for him...I don't think it helped that he's kept away all this time, or that Angel..." her voice trailed away as her eyes filled with tears, it was still so hard to think that he was gone.

"Maybe they just weren't destined to be together" Gunn considered, a double meaning to his words and Fred knew it when he added "it happens to us all"

"It does" she agreed, catching his eye for a second, before taking one final glance over the balcony and then walking silently away.

- - - - - - - - -

Buffy followed Wesley across the Wolfram & Hart building to the far side where it seemed hardly anyone was authorised to go. A key card opened a first door and a code was required for a second entrance. Outside the third and final door, the ex-Watcher stopped and turned to the Slayer.

"Are you sure about this?" he checked and Buffy slowly nodded into her response.

"You said she can probably hear me" she reminded him "And she deserves the truth ...and the words he wanted her to know"

Wesley nodded as he opened the door and gestured for her to go in.

"I'll wait out here" he told her and she nodded as she slipped past, hearing the door click shut behind her.

It was different to how she'd imagined, the Slayer thought as she surveyed the room. Pictures, some photographs and some drawings, adorned the walls. Flowers were in the vase by the bed and fairy lights twinkled from the ceiling above. It was a cross between a child's fairytale bedroom and a memorial, and in the centre was the bed in which Cordelia lay, not dead but still as comatose as she had been five years ago.

On Buffy's last visit to LA, right after the apocalypse, she'd been told that a demon had taken over Cordelia's body and when it had emerged she'd been left in this state. All kinds of tests had been run and spells had been cast but as yet she remained unconscious but stable.

"Hey Cordy, it's me, Buffy" the blonde smiled as she sat down on the edge of the bed. It was true that they were never the greatest of friends but Buffy couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes as she thought of all that had happened to this young woman and all the life she was missing now. There was no guarantee that she would ever wake up and that was the worst part of all. "Well, it's been a while since we last talked...A lot's happened, and not all of it good" she said quietly, reaching to pick up one of the other woman's hands in hers "Cordelia, I have to tell you" she struggled to find the words "Angel's dead, and I know how much that must hurt you, he told me how close you two were getting before" Buffy was surprised that it didn't hurt to think Cordy and Angel getting closer, what was really painful was knowing they'd never get a chance to be happy together now "anyway" she sniffed, trying to keep her composure as she let go of Cordelia's hand and opened up the envelope she held "he wrote letters for all of us for when he had to go, and I thought you deserved to hear the words he meant for you...I hope you can hear this..." she took a deep breath as her eyes scanned the first few words and she began to read aloud. Through her deep sleep Cordelia heard a faraway voice that started out as Buffy's but soon became male, deep, and familiar - her Angel.

'Dearest Cordelia,

I remember when we first met, back in Sunnydale, I thought you were just another silly teenage girl, but I was wrong, and these past few years you've proved to me just how much. You've been my co-worker, my friend, and one of the most important people in my life. I know one day you'll wake up, you're a fighter. I know if you're reading this it means I was already gone when it happened, but Cordy I'll still be there. I'll be in your heart, as you will always be in mine, beyond this reality and all others. Your strength lies there too, deep in your heart where I will be, and I hope that will help you as I always tried to do.

Take care of yourself Cordy, you're an incredible woman and you deserve a wonderful life, I hope you get that.

Love always

Angel x'

Buffy finished reading the letter, two tears making tracks down her cheeks as she re-folded the paper and pushed it back into the envelope. She placed it under the unconscious woman's right hand and stood up, leaning over her friend.

"Goodbye Cordy" she practically whispered, pushing the other woman's hair from her face and hoping that someday she would wake again and not be too saddened by the world she found.

As she exited the room, Buffy closed the door behind herself as Wesley asked;

"Are you okay?"

He didn't need a verbal answer as the Slayer turned to face him, tears cascading down her face like a water-fall. Wesley took her in his arms and held her whilst she sobbed. He knew how distressing this must all be for her, he was feeling Angels' loss himself as well as Cordelia's despite the fact she wasn't truly gone.

A few moments later, Buffy and Wesley emerged from the corridor that led to Cordelia's room, his arm still around her as she tried to calm herself. They shared a few words and Spike watched from afar as the woman he loved most in the world went into the arms of his mate one more time for a friendly hug before she finally walked away and rode the elevator to her room.

Spike waited until she was gone before he approached Wesley.

"She saw Cordelia?" he guessed as his fellow Englishman nodded.

"She read Angel's letter to her, in the vain hope she heard" he explained, "She said she wanted to see her once more before she left"

Spike frowned and looked away. He hated that she was leaving but like she said she had no real reason to stay. Clearly he meant even less to her now than he had back then in Sunnydale. She'd moved on, he understood that, he'd guessed she probably would, but a tiny part of him had hoped...well, it didn't matter now, it was over.

"You have a few hours" Wesley told him, a hand on his shoulder, "Perhaps if you talk to her..."

"Tried talking" Spike shrugged, dislodging his friends hand and moving to walk away, "Too afraid to try anything else" he added quietly to himself. All this time but still memories of what he'd once been, what he'd once done, to her especially, it haunted him. A soul wasn't all moonbeams and penny-whistles, just like he'd told her, it was also about self-loathing, and though he didn't hate himself as much as perhaps he should, he truly hated what he'd been and what he'd done, to his precious Slayer in particular. Now he was left with just those memories, the bad times and fortunately a little bit of good too. Memories was all he would have soon, after she left tonight. It was doubtful that she'd ever return.

- - - - - - - - -

"Well, I guess this is it" Buffy sighed as she stood in Wesley's office with the rest of the gang.

"Do you really have to go so soon?" Fred asked a little tearfully. She really liked Buffy and appreciated the female company, plus she knew how much it was killing Spike to let her go again. He wasn't in the room with them, no-one had been able to find him yet.

"I have a job to do back in England" she reminded the Texan as they hugged, "but I might come and visit again soon" she half-lied, feeling pretty certain she wouldn't be back unless she really had to be, "Or you could come visit me, I'm sure you'd love it"

"Perhaps when things are less busy" Wesley agreed, taking his turn to hug the blonde, "I should like to see the mother country again, it's been a fair while"

"Take care of yourself, girl" Gunn smiled as Buffy moved on to him.

"Always do" she promised as she came out of his embrace and straight into Lorne's who looked like he might cry at any second.

"It was fantabulous to have you here, peach pie" he told her, squeezing her tight, "Maybe next time you'll come for a real vacation, we'll do the road trip to Vegas thing or something"

"Sounds like fun" Buffy laughed a little at the demon she had such an affection for. He was in some ways like a green version on Clem who she'd known in Sunnydale. A few years ago, when she'd first become the Slayer, she never would have believed she could make friends with any kind of demon, now it was perfectly normal to her.

"I should be going" Buffy managed a small smile at the group as she opened the door and two men waiting outside of it grabbed her cases and bags to take down to the limo that would drive her to the private jet.

She walked down the stairs to the foyer below with Fred at her side and the three men close behind. Spike waited at the foot of the steps, already looking like he was fighting with his emotions.

"Spike" Buffy managed half a smile, "We couldn't find you"

"Was busy is all" he shrugged like it didn't matter, truth was he'd been hiding until the last minute, he couldn't bear a long goodbye, any type was likely to hurt like hell but he figured the shorter the better.

Fred, Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne backed off leaving the pair alone in the foyer. It was late in the evening and hardly any W&H staff were still around.

"Guess this is it then" Spike shuffled his feet awkwardly, keeping his eyes mainly on his boots.

"Yeah, I guess so" she agreed softly, unable to look directly at him either, "It was so great to see you Spike" she told him, thinking 'he'll never know how great'.

"You too, pet" he smiled slightly as they both looked up at the same time. He couldn't bear to keep their gazes locked too long, the urge to kiss her and blurt out all he felt for her was almost overwhelming, "Er, give my regards to the mother country for me" he smiled, "and your mates obviously"

"I will" she nodded, knowing she had a lot of explaining to do when she got back. She'd called home again today to tell them she'd be coming home very soon and to further elaborate on Angel's death and Spike being back. Still, there would be more questions when she arrived back in England, especially since the gang would have had many hours to think of more stuff to ask.

"Oh, would it be okay if Dawn called you?" she asked, "She was so excited when she found out you were back, I have a feeling she might want to"

"Sure" he answered fast, "It'd be great to hear her voice again. You have no idea how much you'll miss someone until they're gone from your life" he didn't just mean Dawn of course and Buffy caught the double side to his words. She'd missed him terribly too and now she had to go back and do it all again, this time knowing he was just across the ocean.

"Spike..." she said, not sure where to go once his name had passed her lips. He waited hoping against hope she was about to change her mind or tell him she still cared for him but the moment was broken by a young man bursting in through the door. He marched up to the counter and spoke quite abruptly to the receptionist.

"I'm looking for Angel. Is he here?"

Spike frowned as he looked over at the boy, definitely younger than Buffy, maybe in his early twenties. The young man turned at the sound of the vampires voice.

"Who wants to know, mate?"

He eyed Spike warily before walking the two or three steps to him and answering the question.

"My name is Steven Jameson" he said uncertainly "at least I thought it was but I..."

"But now you know the real truth" Spike interrupted, suddenly sensing who this boy really was, "Isn't that right...Connor?" he checked and the boy looked astonished as he nodded his head slowly.

Spike stared at him for a second before turning back to the blonde beside him.

"Buffy, I want you to meet Connor" he paused as the pair shared a bemused look, before adding "he's Angel's son"

To Be Continued...


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Thanx to; Spuffyluvr, BtVS-and-PotC-Fan, aphelant, Spuffyfan4eva, Rachel, Spikes Bint, velja, lilly, rubi-elektra, SlayGal, for the latest reviews. Seems to me this fic is in dire need of some serious Spuffy lovin'. This chapter turned out a little longer than I expected but I think I have adequately delivered on the Spuffy front...hopefully that'll make up for the cliffy from before...Enjoy!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12

"He's...You're..." Buffy babbled slightly as she tried to take in what she was being told. The boy standing before her, who looked to be about Dawn's age, was Angel's son? To his credit Connor looked equally confused and Spike couldn't believe this was happening now! Could the kid not have had the decency to want to track down his father after Buffy had left! Now was just inappropriate.

"Connor, this is Buffy Summers" he said carefully, hoping the Slayer was planning on keeping calm for now, though he could understand why she wouldn't.

"Buffy?" Connor repeated, looking at her strangely as if trying to remember something "You were my father's girlfriend?" he said uncertainly until she nodded.

"I was" she managed to say, still looking completely confused by the whole situation. Spike looked from one to the other and decided he must do what he'd promised Angel he would.

"Connor, I think we need to talk" he suggested as the boys attention turned back to him.

"Should I know you?" he wondered aloud, not recognising the bleached blond but feeling like they had some strange connection, he didn't know it so much as he sensed it.

"Not exactly" Spike shook his head slightly "Look, come up to Angel's office, I'll explain everything" he promised, gesturing for the boy to follow him back up the stairs, as Buffy looked on in shock.

"Angel is in his office?" Connor checked as he made to follow. Spike couldn't tell him like this, it wasn't the way, and he was glad Buffy was too shocked to tell him the truth right now.

"Just, come on" he urged, glad when Connor warily decided to follow without further question. As they climbed the stairs side by side, Spike realised that Buffy was right on their heels.

"Buffy, luv" he turned to stop her, causing Connor to pause and looked back too "er Connor you go ahead, Eric do me a favour" he called to the nearest W&H employee "get him to the bosses office" the man who appeared to be Eric opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it when Spike snapped at him "and don't ask any questions!"

In a moment Connor had disappeared up the stairs with Eric, leaving Buffy and Spike alone again.

"Spike, you just said he's Angel's son" she began, finally letting out all the stuff that had spun around her head for the past five minutes and had finally settled into fairly coherent sentences "Angel was a vampire how is that even possible and oh my God why didn't he tell me?!"

"Buffy, please, calm down" Spike urged her, with a hand on either of her arms "If you're willing to stay a little longer, I'll explain it all, the entire story, however long it takes" he promised "but I think Connor deserves a few answers first, especially since I've got to tell him why dear old Dad isn't here"

Buffy was about to start protesting when he said that last part and then she found she couldn't. Somehow this young man was Angel's son and therefore was about to be told his father was dead. He needed an explanation and time to grieve as she had done, and it seemed the only person who could help him right now was Spike. For once in her life she mustn't be selfish, she knew that.

"Okay" she agreed in a quiet voice "I'll stay and wait" she nodded, knowing there was no way she could go back to England now without hearing the rest of the tale "but you owe me an explanation" she told Spike just as he turned to walk away from her to go and find Connor.

"Actually" he called sadly over his shoulder "the person who owes you that ain't here"

- - - - - - - -

Upstairs in the room that would always be Angel's office despite his death, a very confused young man sat on the edge of the desk, staring at a framed photograph of a man he was fairly sure was his father, though he hadn't always thought so...

"You okay Connor?" a British voice said from the door and he looked up to see Spike there. Putting the photo down again, he shook his head and stood up.

"Yes, no, I don't know anymore" he admitted "Where's Angel?"

Spike closed his eyes for a second and sighed before he told the boy the painful truth.

"I'm sorry mate, Angel's dead" the vampire winced as he saw the shock and pain cross over Connor's face. He hated having to break horrible news like this to people that had already experienced too much pain in their lives. He used to love causing pain, physical and mental, but he'd changed, more and more over the past few years and somewhere between his chip, his soul, his love for Buffy, and his sacrifice for the world, he'd become much more of a man than a monster, and pain for others now meant pain for him.

"Dead?" Connor echoed, seemingly fighting tears "But he was..." he swallowed hard "he was my father, right?"

"Yes, Connor" Spike nodded "he was your father, and he loved you"

This kind of nancy-boy stuff was really not the vamps style but technically this kid was related to him, by blood. Besides, Angel was dead and Spike had promised that when it happened he'd make sure his miracle son knew he had cared for him.

"Who are you?" Connor asked next. He felt like he should know but so many memories seemed to bleed together in his mind and some were missing completely.

"My name's Spike" the bleached blond replied, vaguely wondering if he'd ever been mentioned in front of the boy.

"You're a vampire, like he was" Connor stated, though it was almost a question, he looked unsure of everything.

"Yes, also true" Spike nodded again, not entirely certain whether the boy had been told of him and his vampire status or whether he sensed the demon within, like Slayers and other vamps could.

"It's so weird" Connor wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry as he sat back down on the edge of the desk, running his hands back through his hair "I had another family, parents and a sister and...then a couple of weeks ago I had this dream, like I was a different person" he tried to explain, watching patterns on the carpet rather than the person he was talking to "There was this hell place and then I was here, with Angel and Cordelia and...It was like a dream, but it felt so real" he shook his head, wishing it would all make sense but it really didn't "I started to see things, not just in dreams but when I was awake too"

"It's all real, Connor" Spike cut in "every bit of it, but it's not for me to explain" that got the young man's attention, and Spike dug in his pocket, producing an envelope that he held out to Connor "Your Dad left this for you when he...passed on" he said carefully as the letter was taken from his hand "It should explain everything"

Connor turned the envelope over in his hands, wondering at the fact that even the handwriting was familiar, despite the fact he'd lived a completely different life for the past five years. He glanced up at Spike who stood by the door, as he wondered whether to stay or go.

"Can I be alone, please" he was asked and the vampire nodded.

"Sure thing, kid" he said as casually as he could, inside panicking because he knew even though this hurdle was over, he had the Slayer to face next, the only up-side being she hadn't left yet "If you need anything, the phone's right there" he gestured to the desk before he turned to leave "just dial down to reception and they'll find me for you"

Connor nodded once as the vampire disappeared from view, then he had a thought and called out his name. His head re-appeared around the door.

"How did you know my father?" Connor asked, remembering that despite the fact Angel was a vampire, he didn't have that many demon friends since he himself had a soul.

"Well...it's complicated" Spike admitted, re-entering the room "but, his childe was my sire. You understand that?" he asked with a tilt of his head.

"Yes" Connor nodded slowly "So we're kinda related?" he half-smiled, kind of glad to know that even if the family he thought he had was fake and his father was dead, there was one person who he had a real connection to.

"Could look at it that way I s'pose" Spike agreed with a slight smirk of his own, "I'll see ya later" he added as he finally left the room and went to find Buffy. He headed straight for the reception desk and checked with the girl there to see if Buffy had gone back to the room she'd been staying in or somewhere else. She was back in that very same room and he hurried to the top floor to see her.

She was sitting on the bed, gazing out of the window at the rapidly darkening sky as he reached the door.

"Can I come in?" he asked her back, without turning she replied.

"You don't need an invitation" she said flatly "you part-own the entire building"

"Just being polite, luv" he said quietly, sensing the edge to her voice. She was understandably pissed about the whole Angel's son thing but it was hardly his fault!

"How could you not tell me Angel had a son?!" she exploded as he reached the side of the bed "How could he not have told me?!"

"It's not as simple as it sounds pet..." he sighed as they stood there either side of the bed and he launched into the entire speech he'd been happy to avoid with Connor. Thankfully Angel explained all this in the letter to his son but Buffy had no clue about any of it. Spike hardly dared to move never mind sit down as he told the story, just in case the Slayer went nuts again! Eventually he reached the end...

"So Angel knew there was a loophole in the deal Lilah made with him, there was always a loophole back when Wolfram & Hart was dodgy. Anyway, once he died, the spell broke. Connor's memory of his old life would return, though strangely no-one else's would. Course Angel being the hero-type that he was always going to be here, assumed he'd out-live the boy so it wouldn't matter. Just in case things didn't go according to plan, he wrote the letter as explanation"

"How come he only told you?" was Buffy's first question and Spike smiled as he answered her.

"Same drunken night that he told me everything else, luv" he explained, "The whole thing with the post-grave letters in the safe and everything, the whole Connor saga came out too" he admitted.

There was silence then as Buffy tried to take in all she'd been told. Spike was about to break said silence when the telephone stole his thunder.

"Hello" he said, picking it up, "Hi Sandy what's the problem?" he greeted the night receptionist who told him Connor had left a few minutes ago. He'd asked that they tell Spike he was okay but he needed time to think about all that had happened and he should expect another visit from him soon. Spike thanked the girl for passing on the message before hanging up the phone and telling Buffy what he'd just been told.

"Poor kid" Buffy sighed, finally sitting down and Spike dared to take the space next to her, though with a couple of feet of distance between them to begin with "I know what it's like to lose a parent" Buffy continued, looking nowhere in particular "and also to be told you're not who you thought you were. Both those things at once - I wouldn't want to be in his shoes"

"Me either" Spike agreed, "Anything for a simple life...though we're never likely to get one are we, a vampire with a soul and a Slayer" he wasn't sure if he'd meant for it to come out that way, as if their lives should be one, together, but in seemed to sound that way when he said it and he wondered if she noticed.

"I was just starting to enjoy my life" Buffy mused "having some kind of normality"

Spike felt wretched then. She'd been happy in England with her project and her mates, and now all this was happening, dragging her back into a mess of demons and spells and dark memories she'd sooner forget.

"And then all this happens and you find me here - I'm sorry, pet" he said sadly.

"It's hardly your fault that Angel's gone" Buffy reached a hand over to take hold of his "and I don't want you to think I'm not glad that you're here" she half-smiled as she caught his eye "I don't know how I would have handled all this without you"

"You'd have coped Slayer" he told her with a smirk "had to when I wasn't around"

"I didn't at first" she admitted, knowing she was being ridiculous, letting all these feelings out now, but unable to hold them in any longer "after you'd gone...after I thought you'd gone..."

"Buffy..." Spike interrupted, not wanting to hear her say she was over him now or that she wanted him for a friend, it was too painful. She seemed to ignore him as she kept a tight hold on his hand and stared down at the floor, continuing with what she wanted and needed to say.

"I kept thinking it was all a weird dream" she told the carpet "Yes, we'd saved the world and it was wonderful but you couldn't be gone" she was almost crying as she looked up into his eyes now "not Spike, you always come back"  
"You were right" he reminded her in a soft voice he didn't recognise as his own "I did" he reached out his other hand to carefully wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"Yeah, but I was selfish" she told him, bringing up her other hand to hold his to her cheek when he tried to move his fingers away "I thought when you came back, it'd always be to me"

He hated to know he'd caused her pain, hated that she was crying now because of something stupid that he had done.

"It should've been, baby" he told her, daring to pull her into his arms and hold her tight "I should have come back to you. I was an idiot to stay away but...hey" he stop sharply and moved his hands to her arms to push her away from his slightly "hang on a sec" he said, trying to look her in the eye but finding it impossible as she kept her head down "is this just you being all mad at me for making your decisions for you or are you trying to tell me something?" he asked, uncertainly, searching her face for an answer her mouth seemed incapable of giving as she finally glanced up at him, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

"Spike" she said eventually, bringing her hand up to caress him face "I...I love you" she told him "and the last time I said that you didn't believe me" she quickly added "I wasn't totally certain afterwards if I'd meant it myself but now I'm sure of what I feel, for maybe the first time in my life I'm really sure" she promised him "so I need you to just believe me when I tell you...that I love you" she repeated, feeling such relief to have finally said it when he had a chance to believe it, she prayed now that she wasn't too late.

It seemed like an eternity as she waited for him to react to her words. Eventually he leaned closer to her and tenderly placed his lips on hers, in a way she was sure he'd never kissed her before, but then she'd never really given him the chance. After a moment it ended and he leaned his forehead against hers and sighed.

"Oh sweetheart, I love you too" he promised "My precious love, you'll never know how much" he continued as he moved to take her face in his hands, tears streaming down her cheeks and forming in his own eyes too "you'll never know how many times I dreamt that..."

As much as Buffy was pleased to hear he still loved her as he always had, the rest didn't matter now. She interrupted his words by kissing him, in that sweet way that he had just kissed her. It was so different from anything else they'd shared, and at the same time familiar and comfortable, like coming home.

"It doesn't matter now, does it?" she asked as they parted once again "All that's happened before, it's not important now...I just want to be with you, always" she told him truthfully, before claiming his lips again.

Spike knew it was different, that this was not like the kisses they'd shared under a spell, or those heated embraces after she'd been torn from heaven. This was love, this was real, and it was terrifying.

Buffy was equally as scared by the feelings she had rushing around inside of her. She'd known for a while now that she was in love with Spike but she never dreamt it would work out this way, that he'd come back to her, that he'd still want her and love her the way he always had, but here he was, kissing her in this glorious way, and she never wanted him to stop.

Pushing his coat from his shoulders, she laid down on the bed and took him down with her, as he kissed his way across her face and around her throat. Her hands pulled the back of his T-shirt from his jeans, before sliding up his back, and Spike abruptly took his lips from her skin.

Buffy opened her eyes that had fallen shut of their own accord and frowned as Spike sat up again, completely cutting all contact with her. He pushed a hand through his hair and looked away.

"Spike?" Buffy frowned still as he turned to look at her, still lying back on the bed, a little dishevelled, "What's wrong?"

"If we carry on..." he said almost nervously, "I don't...I don't know if I'll be able to stop" he finally admitted, unable to look at her anymore. The last time they'd come close to this it was in her bathroom back in Revello Drive, Sunnydale, and she hadn't exactly welcomed his advances. He hated himself so much for what he'd done to her then, and he was petrified of messing up again.

It took Buffy a moment to catch onto what the problem really was. It had been so long since she'd thought about that awful night, over time she'd distanced the monster she'd seen then, from the real Spike. She'd driven him to madness that year with her incredibly selfish and stupid behaviour. She'd used and abused him in every possible way and yes, he had gone too far, and there was no excuse for it, but it was so different now. They trusted and loved each other, neither of them should be afraid of the violence they possessed inside, they should be certain of their ability to be careful with each other.

"Spike" Buffy whispered, pulling herself up beside him, "look at me" she urged, putting her hand to his face and making him turn, "I don't want you to stop" she told him somewhat shyly, "I trust you and I love you" she promised "All I want is to be close to you"

Carefully she kissed him, hoping he'd respond and just let himself go. She wanted to be with him this way more than anything else in the world right now. She did understand why he was nervous, it was mostly her own doing, but eventually she felt him relax against her as they lay down together once again.

This time there was no stopping. He let her remove his clothes as he in turn undressed her. When they finally came together as one, united in love, it was the most beautiful thing that either of them had ever known, and for once in his existence, Spike wasn't so ashamed of the tears he shed.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : So, does this chapter meet with everyone's approval? I'm hoping I handled the Spuffy well enough. Please give your opinion by reviewing! :-)

Extra note to 'FannyLovesSpike' - If you don't like my fic then do not pain yourself by reading it. I write my fics for me and for people who want to read them. If, in your opinion, my story is implausible, please do not bother to read it - it will save time and typing for both of us.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N : So, we finally got to the Spuffy love and it seems everyone is pleased about that. Thanx to; velja, B/S Rox, Spuffyluvr, toya96, SweetBitter, wolf116, Malfeus, rubi-elektra, SlayGal, Spuffyfan4eva. It means so much to me to read all the nice comments you leave about my story. You make me wanna write more, which is pretty amazing since I like to write a whole lot anyway! Here's the next chapter, hope you like :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 13

Buffy woke up in a strange bed and for a moment she couldn't remember what had happened, then the memories came flooding back. She'd finally told Spike she was in love with him and he'd felt the same. After all this time they'd finally found a way to love each other the way they should and it had been glorious to be with him and fall asleep in his arms afterwards. That was when Buffy realised there were no arms around her now, only the bed clothes - had it all been a dream?

Tentatively she opened an eye and looked across the pillows. Spike was there, so maybe it had been real after all. He was gazing at her, with a look that proved just how much he loved her. For some unknown reason she felt quite shy.

"Hey" she said softly, shattering the silence of the bedroom.

"Hello, pet" he answered her and she frowned as she realised the problem with their situation, what was different from when she went to sleep.

"Why are you all the way over there?" she asked, noticing he was so close to the other edge of the bed he was almost falling out "We went to sleep closer than this, I remember"

"No reason" he shrugged, turning to stare up at the ceiling, and a pain shot through the Slayer's heart.

"Spike, I know you too well" she began, she could always tell when he was lying "do you regret it?" she asked with a crack in her voice "did you change your mind about us?" she hated to think it but he was acting so strangely and she had to know, had she left it too long for him to really care anymore?

"No, baby" he assured her, "don't ever think that" he told her, reaching a hand across to wipe away the lone tear that spilt down her cheek "I just, I don't..." Spike sighed as he pulled away from her again "what we did, it was different, for me"

"I don't understand" Buffy shook her head, momentarily catching sight of the clock on the table. It was just four hours since they'd been as close as they could be and now he barely wanted to touch her "I mean, it's not like we never did it before. Lots of different times, and lots of different ways..." she reminded him, sounding scarily like the Buffy-bot, but he didn't seem to notice as he interrupted her.

"No, before it was sex" he said sharply as if it were obvious what he meant, but Buffy couldn't for the life of her work it out.

"I'm sorry" she said, sitting up and pulling the covers around her naked body "but unless they changed it since the last time, I'm pretty sure there was sex have-age just now" she told him, getting a little aggravated about it now. It had meant so much to her and now he was acting like this...

"No-one ever..." Spike began, still not looking at her. He just couldn't verbalise what he was feeling, it was beyond him "When you kissed me, after you said you loved me" he started over, glancing over at her but not really looking "it was different, it felt different...no-one ever touched me that way before, not even you, and I never felt..." he looked over at her then and saw her bite her lip, convinced she was trying not to laugh he lost his temper.

"Oh, this is soddin' ridiculous" he yelled, throwing the covers aside and turning to sit on the edge of the bed. It didn't matter to him that he wasn't wearing anything, he just couldn't face looking at her if she was going to make fun of how he felt.

Finally Buffy had realised what this was all about, and she thought she would cry at how sweet it was, hence the lip bite-age. She scrambled across the bed until she was half sitting, half lying by his back.

"It's not ridiculous" she told him, putting a hand on his shoulder "and I think I know what you're trying to say now" she said as she pulled on his arm and made him turn to look at her "This might not have been the first time we did 'it'" she would've laughed at herself for being such a child if the moment weren't so serious "but...it was the first time we really made love. Is that it?" she asked him, relieved when he nodded in reply.

"Yeah, that's exactly it" he agreed, running a hand through the strands of hair that fell over her shoulder "You think I'm some lame joke of a poofter now, right?" he winced at the very idea his status as 'a real man' had been dented.

"How could I?" Buffy smiled slightly, as she pulled herself up beside him "You mean so much to me" she told him as she kissed his face "and y'know, I felt it too"

As soon as she'd said it, his lips were on hers, a kiss full of passion and love. She understood him like no-one else could, but she'd never understood his love for her. Now she loved him, truly and completely, and it was all he'd ever wanted.

"I've never loved anyone the way I love you" he told her as the kiss finally ended and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her body tight to his "and nobody ever loved me the way you do, and...it terrifies me"

"It doesn't have to be terrifying" she told him, pulling back until she could see his face again "You weren't terrified before, were you?"

"No" he admitted "but I can't be scared when we're..." he trailed off.

"Making love?" Buffy supplied, knowing the term seemed foreign to him, loving the fact she could make him go all embarrassed that way. The Big Bad reduced to a bashful young man at her words and her touch - that was some power to have.

"Yeah, when we're making love" he agreed with a slight smile, knowing he'd be blushing bright red if he were able. She smiled too, but just for a moment before she kissed him and they were serious again.

"So stop being scared" she said softly, pulling him closer and leaning back until they were lying together again, their bodies entwined. Their hands began to roam once more, the sensation of his cool skin against hers was exhilarating and she knew he felt something similar as they kissed, caressed, and loved each other.

"Make love to me again, William" she whispered in his ear, unable to stop herself from gasping as he began to do just that.

This is how it was supposed to be, they both felt it, they both knew. This was love - true, real, beautiful. Nothing had ever felt this wonderful, and nothing ever could.

- - - - - - - - - -

As the next morning dawned, Spike realised he had hardly slept at all, and yet he wasn't in the least bit tired. Last night, for the first time in his existence he had made love with a woman he adored. Where they went from here, it didn't really matter, all there was in his world right now was his love for Buffy and hers for him.

He looked down at her lying beside him and revelled at the feel of her in his arms. She'd been there before, willingly on no less than three occasions, and they'd been intimate more times than he could count, but there'd never been a night when they'd truly made love, and definitely not a time when they'd held each other like this afterwards, not until now.

"Hey, you" she smiled as she opened her eyes at last, so pleased he was still holding her this time, so elated after the nights events.

"Mornin' pet" he smiled back, kissing her briefly, "You sleep okay?" he asked, knowing she must've since he'd been watching her for hours.

"Better than I have in a long time" she told him solemnly, "but I was afraid to wake up" she admitted, "in case I'd dreamt it all"

He kissed her again with some passion.

"That felt real to me" he grinned and she did the same.

"To me too" she agreed, "but maybe we should just check" she added, leaning in again. As their tongues did battle, his hand slid from her shoulder right down the length of her body making her shiver in a delightful way. She pulled away a little, still smiling.

"If we carry on this way, we're never going to get up" she pointed out, holding him as arms length and giggling as he tried to kiss her again.

"I can assure you pet, I'm already 'up" he smirked and she gave him a look that said that wasn't what she meant.

"Does it matter if we don't get out of bed right now?" he asked as her resistance crumbled and his lips found hers again, making her go weak against him.

"I guess not" she agreed between kisses as she reciprocated, ironically making him feel more alive than he ever had before.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was several hours later when the Slayer and the vampire finally emerged from her room, holding hands and smiling widely. Fred was a little surprised to see them as she rounded the corner and literally walked straight into Spike.

"Oh hey Spike..and Buffy, how come you're still here?" she asked.

"Well, it all started with Connor..." the Slayer began and Fred frowned as she asked who he was. Spike rolled his eyes at Buffy, reminding he that no-one else's memories had returned so talking about Angel's son was pointless.

"That doesn't matter right now, pet" he told his Texan friend, "the fact is, Buffy didn't leave last night and...I didn't exactly use my own bed" he smirked as he raised the hand that held Buffy's so Fred could see.

"Oh my God" Fred was so thrilled for her friends but also a little embarrassed that she'd just been told they slept together. Her hands went to her face as she gasped from the surprise, but as soon as the shock passed she launched herself at Spike and hugged him tight. He was a little surprised but pleasantly so.

"Congratulations" Fred bounced on her toes as she squeezed him, "I'm so happy for you"

"Thanks, luv" the vampire laughed as Fred moved on to hugging Buffy.

The commotion alerted Gunn and Wesley who were in the latters office just a few feet away. They emerged and asked what was going on, but didn't require an answer as Gunn figured it out for himself.

"Given the fact we still have a Slayer in the building, and she and the vamp here both look like they slept with hangers in their mouths, I'm guessing love is in the air after all?" he grinned.

"Too bloody right" Spike agreed, causing everyone to smile.

These two deserved some happiness after all they'd been through, and if they could find that happiness together then so much the better.

"So does this mean you're staying here Buffy?" Fred piped up after a while. Buffy shared a look with Spike and frowned momentarily.

"I don't know whats gonna happen next" she shrugged, "I just know that I'm in love"

Spike moved to kiss her then but didn't quite make contact with her lips when she gasped.

"Oh my God! The gang are expecting me back in England!" she said worriedly, "Giles is probably at the airport right now going crazy cos I'm not there!"

Wesley checked his watch.

"No, not yet" he assured her, "With the length of the flight and the time difference, they wouldn't be expecting you for a couple more hours. If you were to go and telephone them now I'm sure they'd still be at the Centre"

"Then we should go call them" Buffy said urgently, grabbing hold of Spike's hand and darting towards he elevator.

"I'll see you guys later" Spike called over his shoulder as he was happily dragged back to the Slayers room. He loved that she loved him, and if she wanted to drag him around all day then so be it, he'd follow her anywhere.

They had the elevator to themselves and took full advantage of the fact they had to go up more than twenty floors, by the time they got to the top they barely noticed the doors had opened.

"There's time for that later" Buffy giggled as she pulled herself away and they went into the apartment. They sat down on the sofa together and Buffy pulled the phone on the table over towards herself, punching in the number for the Slayer Training Centre in London. Spike clicked the button for speaker phone and began to attack his girlfriend with kisses to her neck until someone picked up the line.

"Slayer Training Centre, this is Andrew speaking, how may I help you?"

Spike looked at the phone in horror as the geeks voice penetrated the room. Buffy laughed at his expression.

"Andrew, it's Buffy" she said, seriously as she could, "Is Giles around?"

"Oh sure, just a sec" he told her, before yelling 'Mr Giles!' at the top of his voice. Both Buffy and Spike heard the Englishman complain at having his name screamed across the building before he finally took hold of the phone and said hello.

"Hey Giles, it's Buffy" she told him, "I'm still in LA, I kinda missed my plane"

"Oh Buffy, I'm so sorry about Angel" he said, making her stop giggling immediately. She'd been having such a wonderful loved-filled time with Spike these passed few hours, now she felt horribly guilty for not spending enough time grieving, "As you know there was no love lost between him and myself" Giles continued, "but I know how much you cared for him"

"I did" she agreed, a crack in her voice, "very much"

"And I hear that another vampire is not as dead as we assumed" the ex-Watcher commented, waiting for Buffy's reaction. Instead he heard Spike's voice.

"You heard right, Rupes" he smirked, "How are you, you old git?"

Buffy laughed as she playfully hit him across the chest.

"I'm sorry Giles I should have warned you, you were on speaker phone" she said, "and also that Spike is sitting right next to me"

"Indeed" came his answer and Buffy took a deep breath, gripping Spike's hand before she spoke again.

"Giles, I know you have a lot of questions, I'm sure everybody does, but right now I don't even think I know the answers, all I do know is that I'm so glad Spike is back. I've realised I'm in love with him Giles and we are going to be together"

There was silence on the other end of the line and Spike felt bad. Giles had never approved of his love for Buffy and now she'd told him they were going to be together no matter what, he worried what the Slayer's father figure would say.

"Giles?" Buffy prompted, looking afraid, but she needn't have done.

"I'm very happy for you Buffy" he said eventually and she sighed with pure relief.

"You're happy that me and the Slayer are loved up and shagging again?" Spike gasped in disbelief. Obviously he was very pleased that Buffy wasn't going to lose her 'family' over this but it surprised him greatly.

"Perhaps that was slightly more information than I required" Giles admitted, uncomfortably, "but I know Buffy was never the same after you...left. She sounds so happy now, how can I not be equally so on her behalf"

"Thankyou, Giles" the Slayer grinned, tears of joy and relief falling from her eyes as Spike hugged her close, "That means so much to me"

"Hey Watcher" the vampire called, "could you stick the Bit on the line, I need a word with her, but don't tell her who it is"

"Oh, yes indeed" Rupert stammered as he translated the sentence into plain English and realised Spike wanted to speak to Dawn. A few moments later she took the phone from him and cautiously asked who was there.

"Hello, Little Bit" Spike said with a smile, so pleased to hear her voice again.

"Spike!" she screeched, "Oh my God! It's so great to hear you!" she enthused, "When Buffy said you weren't really gone, I could hardly believe it but...I missed you so much" she sounded and felt like the kid she'd been five years ago when she'd lost him. Despite all that had occurred between him and Buffy, Dawn couldn't help but feel affection for the vampire.

"Missed you too pet" Spike assured her, feeling stupid that he had to blink hard in order to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. Dawn was somewhere between a sister and a daughter to him and he loved her as much as he loved Buffy, though obviously not in the same way.

They chatted a while longer, and then Willow and Xander got their turn on the phone. When Buffy suddenly realised the size of the phone bill she must be causing she hung up, promising to call again soon and let them know as soon as she knew when she'd be coming home.

The whole thing had got Buffy thinking about the future and where they would go from here. She couldn't just assume that Spike would want to come back to England with her, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to stay in LA.

"Spike?" she tried to get his attention off her body for five seconds and onto her words, "Spike will you stop and listen to me" she laughed as he finally stopped kissing her and moved so they were both sitting upright on the sofa, still she remained in his arms.

"What happens next?" she asked him seriously.

"Well" he began "we kiss some more, I find the zip on this bloody dress of yours and we head for the bedroom, then..."

"Spike!" she snapped as his hand wandered across her body, "I didn't mean that! I think we proved last night that we know how that works!" she laughed lightly, "I mean, what happens next with us?" she wanted to know, "Do I stay here? Do you want to come back to England?"

"I don't care Slayer" he told her, "So long as I'm with you, I just don't care"

"You'd give up your life here in LA, move all the way to London and work at the Centre, you'd do all that for me?" she asked, a little surprised.

Spike ran his fingers down her cheek and smiled.

"Buffy, I've fought for you, taken torture for you, I've even died for you. Moving half way across the world is the least of my worries"

She smiled too then, knowing it was true and wishing she'd realised her feelings for him sooner, maybe then neither of them would have had to suffer so much.

"I love you" she said with certainty, "You do know that, don't you?"

"I know it" he assured her, "And I love you too, okay?"

"Okay" she nodded, kissing him once again. It seemed that was going to be one of the main activities of the day, but no-one was complaining about that!

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Lots more Spuffyness! Now I've started I just can't stop! lol. This fic is headed towards an end now, if all goes according to plan there'll be three or four more chapters, I think. Let me know if you still like it by reviewing please! Oh, and for those who are interested, I'm currently working on the next chapter of 'Our Little Secret' :-)


	14. Chapter 14

A/N : This fic went to the back burner for a while due to huge demand for more of Our Little Secret, apologies to anyone who's been waiting for more of this. Thanks to the reviewers of the previous chapter; SweetBitter, Spuffyfan4eva, WVUChrisF, rubi-elektra, Spikes Bint, wings(of)paper, SlayGal, toya96 spikeswife1 (sorry, not much in the way of action here, just love!). Here's the next chapter, it's not very long and to be honest it's kind of just filler before the next more important chapter...anyway, I hope you like it anyway, it was definitely fun to write!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 14

"Woah, honeys. This is just too much to take in" Lorne exclaimed as the LA gang sat around the conference room table, looking across at Buffy and Spike who stood together.

"I did sort of expect it I suppose" Wesley admitted.

The Slayer and the vampire had just announced their plans to go back to England together. Of course they'd expected Buffy to go home soon but now she and Spike were, for want of a better word, an item, and he too would be living in England, at the Slayer Training Centre it seemed.

"Well, I had no clue this was even going on!" the green demon pointed out, "You got your Slayer/Vamp updates in little bitty bite size chunks, I got the happy, the sad, and the Lord-only-knows-what thrown at me and not even a minute to swallow!"

"Well, I think it's great that you two are so happy together" Fred smiled as she got up from her seat and moved to hug first Spike then Buffy, "You totally deserve it. Although, I'll miss having you around" she told the vampire she had come to have such affection for.

"Oh come on" Lorne complained as Wesley and Gunn also got hugged by Buffy and shook hands with Spike, "Don't leave me out of the happy here, I was just a little shocked is all"

"We're sorry to shock you, Lorne" Buffy smiled, trying not to laugh at how distressed he was getting about it, it must be kinda of disheartening to be the only empath demon there and yet the only one who didn't know about the latest development of feelings "We didn't expect this to happen so fast ourselves, it just kinda did" she explained as she hugged him before going back to Spike and loving the way he automatically put his arm around her shoulders. With a smile she slipped her own arm around his back and leant her head against his shoulder.

"It's gonna be damn quiet around here without you man" Gunn grinned to Spike who gave him a nasty look that was clearly fake.

"S'pose I'll miss you buggers too" he admitted with a shrug and Wesley smiled.

"I'm sure you'll do just fine without us Spike" the Englishman commented, "although as Gunn says, it will be ridiculously quiet without you around, and I dare say it will take time to adjust to being without one of our best warriors...two in fact" he realised, his smile fading slightly.

In all the joy of Buffy and Spike's love and happiness, Angel had gone briefly to the back of their minds, now he was back and as stupid as it was a small part of each of them felt guilty for being happy when he was gone.

"Wherever his soul is now, it'll be a good place" Spike said, knowing that everyone of them was thinking the same thing he was, "And I know he'd want us to be happy" he added, receiving nods from everyone. Their letters from the original souled vampire had told them that. "Well, he'd want you lot to be happy at least" Spike smirked, "dunno so much that he'd be joyous about me and the Slayer here getting loved up"

"I think he's smiling down on us" Buffy told him and the others, "All of us, no matter what we do"

The group all agreed, it was much more pleasant to think of their friend that way.

- - - - - - - -

It was a couple of hours later, and after the gang had digested the news of Buffy and Spikes departure and all got themselves some breakfast, the Slayer and the vampire had headed back up to her room. Buffy had called home briefly to say Spike would be coming back with her in a couple of days. The news was met with little surprise, it seemed they'd all kind of expected it, and Buffy was a little shocked that Giles or Xander hadn't been more against the idea. It nagged at her a bit but she didn't want to mention it, why question things when they were so good? There had already been too many reasons for arguments and tears in her young life. When everyone was prepared to get along, and forgive and forget, perhaps it was best to just leave well alone.

As soon as she'd got off the phone, Buffy had continued to tell Spike about her life in England, the Slayer Training Centre and her work in general. For the most part he looked suitably interested in her words, but as usual he began to get restless and bored. He had his arms around his girl, holding her close as she rattled on about the Scoobies and such, and he liked that she was eager for him to catch up on her life but he had other things on his mind too, made clear to her by the way his fingers began to play with the edges of her clothes.

He breathed in the scent of her hair as he began to kiss a path down the side of her face and her eyes fell closed at the feel of his gentle touch. He was suddenly aware she'd stopped talking, though he wasn't intentionally doing it to make her shut up or anything, he just felt the need to kiss her and touch her and be close to her. He'd spent such a long time with her keeping him at arms length and then he'd stayed away from her completely these past five years. Finally they were here together, completely in love. He knew how fragile life was, even his own un-life, and he wasn't going to waste so much time with words when he had the chance to be close to the woman he loved like this.

His lips soon found hers and deep kissing ensued, eliciting moans from both of them as they shifted position and they lay down together. His body on top of hers pressed her gently down into the cushioned seats as their hands began to explore each other again...

A rapping on the door shattered the beautiful spell for Buffy and she broke off the kiss.

"There's someone at the door" she said breathlessly, but Spike refused to let this moment end so soon and quickly recaptured her lips.

The person beyond the door knocked again and Buffy wriggled away a little.

"Ignore it" Spike begged trying to distract her but she was not to be reasoned with.

"It might be important" she told him mock sternly, putting both hands on his chest and pushing him gently off her. She stood up from the couch and made for the door, leaving a pouting Spike behind.

"You're no fun, Summers" he complained, but she just smiled and rolled her eyes at him. Sometimes he was such a baby about things.

"Hello honeybun" Lorne grinned as Buffy opened the door, but the smile soon slipped from his face as he entered the room, "Ooh, I'm picking up some seriously wobbly vibes in here" he noted, looking at Spike then Buffy, "Did I interrupt something?" he asked worriedly.

"Yes you bloody did" Spike snapped half-heartedly as Buffy went to sit beside him, trying not to laugh at what appeared to be sulking.

"It's fine Lorne, honestly" the Slayer told her demon friend, trying to placate Spike with a hand on his knee and a smile that promised normal service would be resumed after this short interlude.

"Well, just two shakes and I'll be right out of your hair anywho" Lorne promised, "I just wanted to make a suggestion. The guys and me, we were thinking a bon voyage type shindig might be in order seein' as how you two gorgeous people are leaving us for greener pastures so soon"

"Do you know how long it's been since I went to a party?" Buffy asked rhetorically, it had been a very long time! "I am totally in, what about you sweetie?" she asked the vampire beside her. He smiled like an idiot at the pet name she used. He didn't remember ever being anyone's sweetie and whilst it made him sound more than a little on the poof-y side, he didn't really mind, not when she said it.

"Could be fun" he conceded, "'Specially if I get to dance with the most beautiful girl in the world" he added, leaning in to kiss her briefly.

"So it's settled then" Lorne smiled and clapped his hands in glee, "Tonight, seven thirty at Caritas, the new and especially sparkly version which you have yet to see, cutie" he gushed to Buffy before catching the look Spike was giving him, the get-out-of-here-so-I-can-kiss-my-woman-senseless look, and the demon quickly backed up towards the door "yeah so, I'll see you guys later" he added quickly as he disappeared.

"Thank the powers that be, he's gone" Spike sighed, immediately diving back on his girlfriend and resuming their earlier position, which she had no problem with at all. He had his hand inside the back of her blouse and was just expertly unhooking the clasp of her bra one handed when there was another knock on the door.

"For bloody hell's sake" the vampire shouted in annoyance as he sat himself and Buffy back up, re-fastening what he recently un-fastened, "Can't the wankers leave us alone for ten minutes!" he complained. Buffy stood up and made for the door, planning to get rid of the person on the other side as fast as possible. In truth she was just about as disappointed as her lover that they'd been interrupted again, she just didn't get quite so obviously mad about it as he did.

"Buffy, is Spike in there with you?" Wesley asked as the door opened.

"Er, yeah" the Slayer asked frowning a little, "Is something wrong?"

Those words prompted Spike to appear at the door beside her, running his hands back through his hair to make it stay down. For reasons he didn't understand at all, Buffy's hands seemed to like being in his hair when they were getting intimate and she made a right bloody mess of his style!

"What's up, Wes?" he asked his English friend.

"There's a young man in the reception area" he explained, "He says his name is Connor and that he needs to speak to you...should I know what this is about?" he asked warily.

"Nah, it's fine" Spike told him, moving to fetch his coat and pulling it back on, "Just something me and the Slayer here have to deal with before we go" he explained as they went down to see the boy.

Of course it presented a problem, if they were going to England they were leaving the boy with no-one to turn to, and Spike had promised his old grand-sire that he'd be a helping hand to his son.

'Why does it have to be so bloody complicated?' he asked himself silently, as he and Buffy travelled down in the elevator together, realising his chances of getting a good shag in this afternoon had just flown completely out of the window.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : The next chapter will hopefully be longer and more interetsing than this, still if you liked this reviews are always gratefully recieved :-)

[A new chapter of Our Little Secret has also been posted tonight]


	15. Chapter 15

A/N : Fairly long chapter here. I actually had it ready to post earlier, right when had a problem and wouldn't let me log in! Anyway, the new chapter is now here! Thanks to; Spuffyfan4eva, Rachel, books41, rubi-elektra, spikeswife1, SlayGal, spikesqueen, slayafreek (twice!) for the previous reviews. Hope you like this new chapter, there's just one more after this (which I've already started writing) and then an epilogue. More of Our Little Secret coming soon too!

(For discliamer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 15

"Hello mate" Spike greeted as he and Buffy walked, hand in hand, into the conference room where Connor had been asked to wait.

"Hi, Spike" he replied, smiling, which the vampire took to be a good sign. After Angel's stories about the boy a small part of him had been fretting about running into the pointy end of a stake too soon.

"Connor, I hope you don't mind that Spike brought me along" Buffy smiled good-naturedly at the young man, "He told me all about you and...well, I can leave if you want to talk to him alone"  
"No, it's fine" Connor assured her as all three of them sat down.

There was silence for a while til Buffy shot Spike a look telling him to say something, anything, to the poor kid on the other side of the table.

"Er, so, you okay?" he asked awkwardly and the Slayer fought the urge to laugh at how bad he was at this, but he got points for effort at least.

"I'm fine" Connor nodded, "actually better than fine, but I have something to tell you and I'm not entirely sure you'll like it"

"Try us and see" Buffy offered, pretty certain that she'd heard worse things than he was about to tell her, she'd heard, seen, and fought just about all the worst things there were before she was twenty-five!

Connor sighed as she stood up and turned to look out of the window.

"I'm different" he announced as if it weren't obvious, "I always knew there was something but I never knew what...it's like my mom, the woman I call mom, she says it's like when you go out and think you left the iron on or something"

"I hate that!" Buffy commented on the analogy, not thinking about the fact she was interrupting something important until Spike shot her a look and she mouthed an apology to him. Connor, it seemed, didn't notice at all.

"Anyway, when I had the dreams and the memories came back, then I knew why I was different, and it was like this missing piece fell into place. I know where I really come from now" he continued, turning back to face his audience, "I know why I felt different, even though I'm not so different anymore"

"Okay, now you've lost me, mate" Spike admitted with a shake of his head.

"I don't have powers anymore" Connor said simply, "No strength or speed or extra-special hearing, I know that I used to have them before but now I'm just me, I'm human"

"Wow" Buffy commented, not intentionally aloud, "A little surprising" she admitted.

"No, it's not" Spike smirked at her and then a gaping Connor.

"You knew" the boy realised - it was a statement and not a question.

"Of course I bloody knew" Spike rolled his eyes, "Vampire here, remember?" he gestured towards himself with his hand, "I may have the soul and all that rot but I'm still a demon, if you had a trace of your demon self left I'd feel that too"

"Yeah, I guess I would too" Buffy considered, "Being a Slayer and all"

"And you don't get any...'vibes' off me" the boy air-quoted, unsure which was the best term to use.

"There's something" Spike admitted, "Somethin' in the scent, but that's pretty much a blood thing, what with my grand-sire being your Dad and all that..." he rambled on but Buffy interrupted, noticing how quiet and still Connor had become.

"Are you okay?" she asked, getting up from her seat and moving to stand by his chair instead, "I mean, with the whole non-special deal" she checked, reaching out a had to his arm.

"I'm okay" he promised looking up at her and placing his hand over hers, "I have another life now, people who care about me and love me...I needed to know where I came from, but I'm happy with the existence I have now"

"I get that" the Slayer nodded, as the two shared a smile. Spike cleared his throat unnecessarily loudly.

"I hate to break up the touchy-feelies" he said when he got both their attention, "but you happen to have your hands on my woman" he announced, only slightly joking.

Buffy rolled her eyes as she walked around the table and smacked him playfully across the shoulder as she sat down beside him again.

"You two are...dating?" Connor looked puzzled, this was a vampire and a Slayer after all, although it was no different to his Dad dating Buffy all those years ago.

"It's a little more that just 'dating'" Spike snapped, almost annoyed by the accusation that it was not a completely serious eternal-love type deal between him and his Slayer.

"It's kind of a love thing" Buffy grinned, picking up Spike's left hand in both of hers and kissing it to calm him down, "We were heading back to England in a couple of days but it's a good thing that you came around, Spike didn't wanna leave til he'd made sure you were okay"

"Easy Slayer" the vampire snapped indignantly, "You'll have the boy thinkin' I care or something" he couldn't help but smile slightly on the last part, giving away the fact that he did have some kind of feeling for Connor, didn't like the idea of him being alone and confused and such.

"Well, now you know I'm fine" the now normal miracle child grinned, "So you can go to England and be in love and do whatever it is that you do" he shook his head as he realised he actually had no idea.

"That was the plan" Spike told him, turning to kiss the Slayer and almost touching his lips to hers when she suddenly shouted, "Oh, Connor, you should so come to our party!" she realised, leaving Spike mid-pout with no-one to kiss, "It's kind of a bon voyage thing for us, we'd love for you to be there tonight"

"I would" Connor told her, "but it'd be awkward. Wesley and Gunn and Fred, I remember all of them but they have no idea about me"

Buffy nodded sadly that she understood, it was sort of a shame really.

"Besides" Connor looked embarrassed when he added, "I kind of have an anniversary-type date with my girlfriend anyway"

Spike opened his mouth to make some smart ass comment and Buffy took the opportunity to give him that kiss he'd seemed to want before, anything to stop him from further embarrassing the poor boy!

After that there were the goodbyes, hand-shakes, hugs, and kisses. The Slayer gave her ex-loves son a piece of paper with the address and phone number of the Slayer Training Centre on it, just in case he ever needed them and Connor wished the pair luck in whatever they did.

"Well, that went better than I thought" Spike sighed after Connor had left the room and Buffy went into his arms to hug him, "Although I still feel sort of bad, flitting off and leaving him here without anyone who knows the soddin' truth" he admitted.

Buffy reached up to kiss him soundly, smiling as they parted.

"You really are just a big softy underneath it all, aren't you?" she grinned, knowing that even as a joke that would piss him off some.

"Hey, you take that back!" he warned her, "Or I'll show you just how much of an animal I can be"

"Ooh, is that a promise" she smiled suggestively, breaking into giggles as he growled and attacked her neck with kisses, before picking her up and carrying her back up to her room. They had a couple of hours before the party, and what better way to kill time than to spend it in bed, just loving each other unconditionally.

- - - - - - - - -

"Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends" Lorne spread his arms wide as he entered his night-club, followed by Buffy whom he was addressing. She was tucked under Spike's arm, just where she liked to be, and Wes and Fred followed behind with Gunn bringing up the rear.

"It's beautiful, Lorne" the Slayer grinned, "I have no frame of reference since I sadly never saw the original" she admitted, "but this is an amazing place"

The new Caritas had been built on the site of the old one but it had been entirely re-vamped, no pun intended despite a few demonic clientele that fit the bill. The money and resources the old AI gang had acquired when taking over the LA branch of Wolfram and Hart, meant re-building the club was simply simple! Plus the access to ancient texts and books, as well as mystical people and creatures, meant finding a better protection / anti-violence spell was easy too. Caritas was truly the sanctuary for all, that it should always have been.

The party kicked off in true Lorne style as he took the stage and broke into song. The order of the night was mostly love songs, and the kareoke was put on hold for this evening so The Host's special guests could enjoy dancing to real tunes and not the garbled squawking of various guidance-seeking demons and humans alike.

There were of course drinks and Buffy took great delight in picking out weird and wonderfully named cocktails for the bar staff to concoct for her. There was no bill to pay, just pretty liquids with cherries and umbrellas to consume, or straight up spirits if you were Spike.

He was trying to encourage Buffy to have a non-alcoholic drink every now and again, but the Slayer was well past sober by then and wasn't really paying attention. The vampire didn't want her getting completely smashed but she seemed to be coping, just a lot more giggly than usual.

"Oh, look at the pretty lights" she gasped, looking up at the ceiling, tipping so far back that the barstool began to tilt too. Spike stood up behind her in a flash, setting the seat back straight and warning her that maybe she'd like to stop looking at the ceiling now.

"Do you realise how much I love you?" she said suddenly, not in the least bit giggly for that moment.

"Probably not" he smiled, pushing her hair off of her face. She'd spent so long asking 'Do you realise how much I hate you?'. As much as he believed now that she loved him and could accept it, it still surprised him when she said the words.

Buffy knew she didn't have a real answer to her question. There just weren't words for how much she really cared for Spike. It'd taken her so long to realise and now that she had, the feelings over-whelmed her.

Leaning forward she put her lips to his and kissed him passionately, almost knocking them both off their stools. Spike was only glad he didn't have to spoil the moment by stopping to breathe, unfortunately, Buffy did.

"You understand now?" she grinned as she stayed leaned into him, forehead resting against his.

"I think I'm gettin' it" he smiled back, rolling his eyes when he realised the rest of the LA gang were watching the exchange.

"You have to be the cutest couple ever" Fred blurted out. She quickly stepped further into Wesley's embrace when Spike shot her what was supposed to be an evil look, though he didn't pull them off half so well these days.

"I am not cute" he said grumpily, making Buffy laugh again, "C'mon Slayer" he urged, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet, "You know you wanna dance"

"In a minute" she promised, as he pulled on her hand and she fell into his arms, "First, I have to go..." she tilted her head to the left, and he kissed her briefly before releasing his hold on her so she could go to the ladies room. At least, that's where he assumed she'd been going. As he turned back to lean on the bar and order another drink, Buffy stepped up onto the stage and whispered in Lorne's ear...

"Good evening you bunch of beautiful people" the green demon grinned as he addressed the crowd through the microphone once again "Well, have I got a sweet treat for you? Tonight some of my very best friends are here and we're sadly saying bon voyage to two very special people as they head off to that little jewel of a place that is England" Spike turned to look up at the stage, feeling bad that Buffy was missing this, "Point is folks, these two are so in love it makes me wanna sing, but I've done quite enough of that tonight, right? So I'm gonna pass the mike on over to the girl herself cos she has a little something she wants to say to her lover-boy. Ladies and gentleman, Buffy Summers"

Spike's mouth dropped wide open as his Slayer stepped into the spot light. Lorne passed her the microphone and disappeared.

"Hello LA" she grinned, squinting slightly against the bright light that shone on her alone "Okay, now, I've never done anything like this before and I admit it did take several drinks for me to get up the courage to stand here in the pretty lights with the mike in my hand" she giggled a little before becoming completely serious again "but my being a little drunk does not mean I don't mean what I say" she said solemnly, looking over at the vampire she adored "Spike you know better than anyone how I like to make inspirational speeches, well, this is a little different" she smirked slightly as she pointed her finger at him "but you better appreciate this buster, or you know I'll kick your British ass!" he laughed at that but soon fell silent along with the rest of the club as the music started to play. A few bars of instrumental he was almost ashamed to say he recognised and then Buffy herself began to sing.

**Edited 01.05.05 - Buffy's sings 'Chain Reaction' and Spike joins her on the stage. This scene has been cut due to lyrics ban**

Buffy really couldn't manage another word as Spikes lips attacked her neck, kissing and pretending to bite. She took the mike away from her face as she collapsed into uncontrollably giggles in his arms. She knew she'd just made such a fool of herself but she just wanted to do something special, and the song fitted them so well.

The backing vocals played on by themselves as other patrons of the club clapped and cheered at the performance, only growing louder when the Slayer turned in her lovers arms and kissed him soundly, letting the microphone drop to the floor as she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close.

"I love you" she told him breathlessly.

"'Love you too, pet" he promised, "but y'know" he whispered in her ear, "Anything you can do..." he trailed off as he let go of her and walked towards Lorne who'd just come back onto the stage.

"Oh God" Buffy gasped, still laughing as she realised what he meant - anything you can do, I can do better! Was he really going to sing? He held his hand over the mike and whispered in Lorne's ear before they both grinned and the vampire headed back towards the Slayer.

"I thought you were gonna sing?" she frowned a little, kind of disappointed. She remembered he had a good voice from when he'd sung to her under Sweet's spell and those couple of times she'd heard him in the shower at her house in the months before the fall of Sunnydale...

"Don't be daft, pet" he smirked, grabbing her hand and leading her off the stage. As they reached the dancefloor he pulled her impossibly close and whispered to her; "Not when I could be dancing with you"

The lights in the whole place dimmed on Lorne's signal and two spotlights shone through the dark, one on the demon himself and one of the couple in the centre of the floor.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked, suddenly a little embarrassed as so many eyes watched her, and feeling slightly faint from the intensity of the love she could see in Spike's eyes.

He didn't answer her question, merely smiled as the music started up again and Lorne's voice reached their ears, singing Wind Beneath My Wings.

Buffy smiled shakily as tears rolled from her eyes. This was their song, her and Spikes. He'd remembered way back over eight years ago now, to that spell Willow had cast and they'd gotten engaged. The love had been less real then but ever since declaring this should be the melody of the first dance at their wedding, Buffy could not hear it without remembering the wonderful feeling of being in love with Spike. Now they loved each other deeply and it was so real and beautiful.

"I love you Spike" Buffy told him, burying her tear-stained face in his shoulder and gripping him tightly as if he might disappear, "I was so lost without you"

He moved until he could see her face again and brought up a hand to remove the water from her cheeks.

"You don't have to be without me anymore" he assured her, moving her hair off of her face "that's what this is about, the song and everything. It's to say that I love you more than un-life itself. It's my promise to never leave you again. I swear, Slayer, by your side is where I belong and it's where I'm always going to be"

Buffy had no more words to say. What could she say to follow such a declaration? She wanted him to know she felt the same but to say it didn't seem enough somehow. Instead she reached up and kissed him, showing him just what he meant to her. When the kiss ended they held each other close, swaying gently to the music and Buffy had a thought.

"Y'know it's kind of a shame this song isn't literal" she mused, reminding Spike that for all her seriousness before she was still a little drunk, "It'd save a whole lot of plane fuel when we head back to England"

Spike laughed lightly and kissed the top of her head.

"I do love you, Slayer" he smiled in amusement at her words, truly meaning that he adored every aspect of her. He only hoped things could stay this way when they did head back to her new home. The Scoobies weren't exactly his biggest fans. Would it all turn out as Buffy thought it would? Spike resigned himself to think of it no more tonight. He could worry about tomorrow when it came along. For now, he would just enjoy holding Buffy in his arms, loving and being loved, unconditionally.

****

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : All reviews welcome, I love to know what you think:-)

Extra Disclaimer : The Bee Gees wrote Chain Reaction and Diana Ross made it famous! I am not these people, I do not know these people, and the song does not belong to me.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N : Well, here we are at the end of this fic! Yep, when you've read this chapter and epilogue there will be no more of this story. I'm kind of sad that it's ending, I was enjoying writing it, but it has come to a natural end...for now. Thanks to the reviewers of the previous chapter; Spuffyfan4eva, spikeswife1, slayafreek, Darklight, Shania Maxwell, SweetBitter. In fact, an extra thanks to everyone who reviewed on any or all of the chapters of this story. It's been fun guys! Hope you like the ending! :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 16

"Well, that's the last of it" Spike sighed as he put the final couple of items into his suitcase. It amazed Buffy that a man who'd seen more than a century pass had so few belongings to show for it. Just one semi-large suitcase, that was everything, and here she was with enough luggage to sink a battle cruiser for just a few days stay!

"You're gonna miss it, aren't you?" Buffy realised as she went to his side and hugged him, "Wolfram & Hart and the gang"

"S'pose so" he agreed wrapping his arms around her too and kissing the top of her head, "but not half as much as I'd miss you if I lost you again"

"You won't ever" she promised, kissing him to seal the deal, "but it's gonna be crazy when we get back to England"

"There's going to be some people who aren't so pleased to see me y'know" he said sadly, "Not that the Watcher or the Whelp ever really bothered me but...I don't want there to be anymore conflict in your life than there has to be, luv" he told her, playing with her hair.

"You don't have to worry about me" she smiled, actually loving that he did, "Everyone's grown up a lot these past five years, even Xander...even Wood"

Spike laughed a little at that.

"I still can't believe he's managed to tame the wild Slayer" he chuckled, "Her type aren't usually so easily domesticated. Evil and all that"

"You changed" she pointed out, "Got a soul and everything"

"For you" he reminded her, "That's the only way to really make a change like that, you have to have something real to do it for. I guess Faith's got it bad enough for the Educator she'd found her way. My love for you was what saved me"

"Y'know for a guy who used to suck at poetry" Buffy smiled up at him, "You says some beautiful things some times"

He smiled back at her, before they both leaned in and kissed again.

"Seems to me we should get going, before I change my mind and drag you back to bed" Spike told her as they pulled apart at last.

"Let's go" she laughed as he picked up his bag and took one last look at the room before leaving, hand in hand with his Slayer.

They rode the elevator down to Wesley's office where the gang had congregated. Buffy moved down the line, hugging them all as they wished her luck and promised to visit sometime. Then Spike stepped up to say goodbye to the make-shift family he'd been with for the past five years.

"Goodbye Spike" Wesley smiled at the vampire, holding out his hand to shake. Spike took hold of the hand and pulled the ex-Watcher into a manly hug. The bloke had been a good mate to him when he had no reason to want to be. He'd never forget that, though he'd also never admit as long as he existed that he'd just voluntarily hugged a fellow male! Next he hugged Fred, thanking both her and Wes for their friendship and wishing them all the happiness in the world together. She cried a few tears as she told him how much she would miss him and how cute he and Buffy were together.

"Silly bint" Spike joked, hugging her one last time before moving down the line and being pulled into an uncomfortable hug by Lorne.

"Leave off, you silly bugger" he cried, not really as annoyed as he seemed, as he pulled away and straightened his coat, "Don't want you wrinkling the leather" he winked.

Spike was a marvel to Lorne. He never needed to be singing for the empath to get a clear reading. He wore his heart on his sleeve, his emotions clear to anyone who bothered to look. Lorne knew without a doubt that Spike and Buffy were made for each other and that they'd be happy together for a long time to come.

Spike moved on to shake hands with Gunn, who also wished him luck for the future.

"And y'know I'm gonna be taking my vacations where you're at" he grinned, "A whole huge building full of mighty fine, incredibly flexible, extra tough women? Who wouldn't wanna be there?" he said sincerely, making the girls frown a little and the guys try not to react to the pleasing imagery.

"I think it's time we were leaving" Buffy realised, checking her watch, "You ready?" she asked Spike as he came to stand by her side once again.

"Never been more so, pet" he told her with a smile. He had come to like his life here in LA, but it was never going to be home. He only felt truly at peace when Buffy was by his side, and now she would be, always.

- - - - - - - - - -

Buffy slept for most of the flight back to England, it was already dark when they'd left Los Angeles and she was tired before they even started their journey. Spike was glad that the windows of the W&H private jet were made of the same protective glass as the windows in the office block, letting him travel without the risk of frying half way across the Atlantic. He himself couldn't sleep, there were too many thoughts filling his head.

What would all the Scoobies be like now? Would they look different or act differently, it'd been five years after all, and Buffy had said they'd grown up. Would they treat him differently now? Accept him more? All the questions made the vampire's head spin so he tried to put them out of his mind, instead concentrating on all the definite positives of this trip.

He was going to be with Buffy, forever it seemed since they were both so in love with each other. He would be working and fighting by her side again, with the added bonuses of being her friend and her lover.

She was sleeping on the seat beside him, her head resting on his shoulder and his arm around her back. After so many hours he was glad he didn't have circulation since he was certain she'd be cutting it off by now. She looked like an angel, bathed in the moonlight from the window, and leaning over he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

Comparing her to a heavenly body reminded him of the grand-sire that bore the name. It was still weird and sort of strangely painful to know the Poof was dust, and seemingly for good this time. Still, death was a part of life, even for the living dead like them. There is a time to be born and a time to die, and eventually it came to everyone.

Spike looked down at Buffy and then back out at the sky. If there was one thing he'd learnt in his long existence, both vampire and man, it was that you had to take a chance. Grab what you want with both hands and don't ever let it go.

Now he had Buffy here in his grasp, and he wasn't ever going to let her go. He hoped she'd still feel the same about him when they arrived back in London and had to face her friends.

"Buffy, luv" Spike nudged her awake as the pilot told him they were about to land, "Time to wake up, sweetheart"

He kissed the top of her head as she stirred. Her eyes flickered but didn't fully open.

"I was dreaming" she smiled as she stretched a little, loving the feeling of his body next to her own, in truth she was only half aware of her surroundings "We were on the beach and it was so warm, and you were rubbing lotion on my back..."

Spike's whole body stiffened at her words. A pretty dream, but not one that he could ever make come true. Sunny days on the beach were not something he would be enjoying in this lifetime, all he could offer was the dark. He was sort of glad the Slayer was not fully awake and did not seem to notice how tense he'd become. He tried to relax and go back to less life-changing worries, like how the Scoobies would react to him these days, but in the back of his mind he was a little panicked.

"Buffy" he jostled her fully awake this time, "We're landing, luv, you have to wake up"

She came to with a bit of a start, he'd shook her a little more roughly than he meant to but she didn't say anything about it. She looked over at him and tried to read the odd expression on his face but it wasn't one she'd ever seen before from him. She blinked a few times and when she looked back he was smiling at her again, maybe a little nervous but pretty normal. Maybe she'd just imagined it.

The plane was soon on the ground and their luggage was unloaded for them. This was it - crunch time for Spike. All worries, stupid or not, were pushed aside as Buffy's hand held his tight and they walked off the plane and then through the airport building. The first person to spot them was Dawn who came barrelling through the crowds, almost knocking Spike down as she ran into his arms.

"Hello Nibblet" he said as he hugged her, glad he didn't need to breathe as her arms held him tight.

"Spike, we missed you so much" she told him, tears running down her face, still refusing to let go of him. They'd gone through a tricky patch in their sibling-type relationship when things had gone horribly wrong between Buffy and Spike, but when he'd made that ultimate sacrifice and she knew she'd never see him again, Dawn hadn't felt a pain like that since she lost her mother and her sister. Now he was back and words couldn't express how pleased she was, especially since it seemed he and Buffy were in love for real this time.

"Dawn, I think your sister would like a hug too" Spike smirked, gently easing the young woman off him when he caught the semi-jealous look Buffy was giving them. As the Summers sisters moved to hug each other, Spike was surprised to find Willow reaching for him.

"It's good to see you, Spike" she smiled after she'd hugged him briefly and despite his shock he managed to smile back and thank her. Next Giles shook his hand and the witch nudged Xander until he gave in and did the same.

Meanwhile, Faith had moved around to Buffy's side. The two shared a look of understanding and both were surprised to see tears on each others faces as well as feeling them on their own cheeks.

They'd both loved Angel in their own ways, and he'd changed both their lives. Now he was gone, and as much as they both had new lives to live now without the souled vampire in them, his loss was felt deeply still.

"I'm sorry, B" the dark-haired Slayer choked out, "I know what he meant to ya"

"To you too" the blonde replied, before they finally gave up on being the strong ones and hugged each other as they cried. They were rarely so willing to be close, though they did have a kind of friendship these days. Still, there were few who fully understood how they felt about losing Angel.

"Here" Buffy said, sniffing as she pulled away and reached into her pocket. She handed Faith a crumpled envelope and the two women looked at each other.

"From Angel?" Faith checked.

Buffy nodded, swallowing hard so she could reply.

"I got one too, and the gang in LA" she explained, "It's...he knew eventually...he wanted to say goodbye" she stumbled through the broken sentence trying to stop her tears and failing badly. Spike was soon by her side again. Without a word he wrapped his arms around her and held her close as she sobbed.

"How're things, Faith?" he asked the other Slayer over Buffy's shoulder.

"They've been worse" she half-smiled, "You?"

"Not so bad" he nodded, returning the expression as Robin appeared behind Faith and was soon hugging her too. Spike had nothing much to say to the ex-Principal and it was clear Wood felt the same. They shared a small nod to show they acknowledged each others existence but there was a long way to go before even civility existed between them.

The Scoobies helped pick up Buffy and Spike's luggage and headed out to the waiting cars. No matter what changed, the vampire was sort of glad that one thing was constant as Giles began vigorously polishing his glasses.

"Could we please get a move on!" he exclaimed "Let's not forget that we've left that idiotic Andrew in charge of a whole building full of girls that are all vastly stronger than he is, the pillock"

Nope, somethings never changed.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was several hours since the gang had arrived back at 'Slayer Central' as the building was affectionately known. Faith had been in the room she shared with Robin for most of that time, holding her letter from Angel in her hands. At first she'd been worried about opening it, afraid of what it might say. After she'd finally plucked up the courage she'd read it through several times, both smiling and crying as she imagined him saying the words to her. She'd meant to go and visit, God dammit! Now it was too late. He'd always been there for her and she'd been awful to him, so many times, and yet he always believed in her.

"Hey" said a voice from the door and Faith automatically stopped herself crying, scrubbing the tear tracks from her face with the back of her hand, "We've talked about this before" Robin frowned as he came to the room and sat beside her on the bed, "You're allowed to cry, it doesn't make you look weak to me, I love you no matter what"

She smiled at that and gladly let him hold her.

"I know" she sighed, "After five years you'd think I would, but I spent too long hiding it and...this brought back memories y'know" she said, waving the letter in her hand.

Robin wasn't really sure what he should say. He barely knew Angel and had never really been eager to. He was a demon after all, just another vampire, made worse by the fact he helped in the siring of Spike who'd been his poor mothers downfall. Still he'd meant a lot to Faith and he wasn't about to say anything derogatory within her hearing.

"He understood me" the young woman in his arms said softly, a tone she'd only learnt since Robin had come into her life, showing her what it was to be a person who could love and who was loved, "For a while I thought he was the only one who could...but then there was you" she smiled a little more as she looked up at him, "You get me somehow, and you love me in a way he never could've" she told him, "I guess what I'm trying to say is, him dying kinda made me realise just how important some stuff is, like you and me, and one other thing..."

"Whats the other thing?" Robin asked curiously as she looked away. When she looked back she was smiling again.

"Is this a good time to mention that I'm having your kid?"

- - - - - - - - - -

"Well, that's everything, the whole operation" Buffy told Spike as they entered the bedroom, having done the entire tour of the building "And this is my room, or our room now I guess" the Slayer amended with a smile, one the vampire did not return.

"It's nice, luv" he said quickly when her smile disappeared. Everything should be perfect and happy now, but what she'd said on the plane, the dream she'd had, it was bothering him.

"Spike" she said, coming back across the room towards him, "You've been weird since the plane. Tell me what's wrong" she put her arms around his waist and searched his face for something, any clue as to why he was acting differently.

"It's nothing really" he shrugged, putting his hands on her shoulders, "I'm just being a stupid git" he told her, placing a kiss on her forehead before walking away and dropping himself onto the bed. He laid on his back with his arms folded behind his head, his eyes closed so he didn't have to see her giving him that look, the one that said she knew he was lying.

"I know when something's bothering you" she told him, arms folded over her chest, he could see the stance behind his eyes, didn't have to actually look. He opened one eye for a moment, a smirk on his face as he spoke.

"You expect me to believe you tell me every single thing that bothers you?" he challenged, "cos I know for a fact that's bollocks"

"Maybe" she agreed, sitting down heavily on the end of the bed. Spike never played games when it came to emotions. That was her job, she remembered with some remorse. So why was he being like this now? She decided the only way to make him confess was to tell him the one thing that had been niggling in the back of mind since a few days ago when they'd admitted their love for each other.

"When was the last time you saw Drusilla?" she blurted out, watching him carefully as his eyes opened fast. To his credit he didn't look too shocked.

"Three years ago" he said without emotion, not even bothering to ask why she wanted to know. He was almost certain he knew anyway. The main 'competition' as it were between the two of them had been Angel and Dru. Now one was gone, but there seemed to be a small part of the Slayer that worried his first love might return and spoil things.

"You should know better, soppy bint" he said good naturedly, pulling himself up and shifting to sit next to her, "I would never choose her over you" he promised, taking her hand in his and kissing it, "I proved that when I staked her" he added much more quietly, looking down at their joined hands and then back up at Buffy's face. Shocked was a understatement.

"Buffy, I'm not gonna deny Dru meant a lot to me" he tried to explain "I have to thank her at least for making me what I am, and letting me be around long enough to meet you, but when she turned up in LA, even crazier than before, me and Angel knew something had to be done"

"Wow" was all the Slayer could find to say.

"This been on your mind long?" he asked and she nodded slightly, feeling bad for not sharing his own worries or noticing that something was bothering her.

"Y'know you were right before" he admitted, "Something you said on the plane, when you were half asleep...just made me think is all" he told her, pushing her hair out of her face.

"I don't remember" she frowned, making him laugh in spite of himself.

"That would be because you weren't awake pet" he pointed out. He turned serious again as he continued to explain, "You told me you had a dream, and we were on the beach...in the sun"

"Oh Spike" she interrupted him, "That doesn't mean anything!" the Slayer protested, "I love you, really love you. It was just a dream I don't care about all that"

"It's sweet of you, luv" he smiled, "but it's a pack of bleedin' lies" he told her simply, "We're not going to have a normal life, Slayer, not ever. No sunshine or patter of tiny feet, I can't give you any of that..."

"Ssh" she hushed him, putting a finger to his lips as tears formed in her eyes, "All I want you to give me is yourself, Spike" she told him, "The rest of it, it doesn't matter. I used to think it did but...I guess it wasn't just the gang who grew up, it was me too" she smiled, leaning in to kiss him. It was a sweet promise that they both understood and when they pulled away just a little, foreheads still touching, they were both smiling.

"If we can make this work, luv, it'll be a bloody miracle" he told her, making her laugh lightly. It was a kind of joke though there was something serious beneath it.

"Stranger things have happened" she reasoned, many crazy events from her life springing to mind, until Spike leaned in to kiss her again, ensuring she was thinking of nothing but him.

****

The End??? - Epilogue already posted 


	17. Epilogue

A/N : Hope you like the ending...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Epilogue

"Okay guys, that's enough for today" Buffy told the room full of young Slayers, as she grabbed a towel from behind her and dabbed some sweat off her body. The young Slayers cleared out of the room, chatting animatedly about what they'd learnt as Buffy moved towards the door.

"Lurk much?" she smirked at the guy she found leaning there.

"Not lurking" he told her, "Just admiring the view" he grinned suggestively, letting his eyes travel up and down her toned body in tight, skimpy clothes.

"You are a very bad man" she giggled, leaning in to kiss him long and hard.

One of the young Slayers passing by in the corridor whistled at the scene. Spike pulled away from Buffy and pointed a finger at the brunette who giggled with her friends.

"And you can mind your own til you learn to punch properly without sticking out your elbow" he told her, making her blush and run away. He'd been teaching classes of girls along with Buffy, Faith, Wood and the others for the past few months now.

It didn't seem to matter to the young Slayers that he was a vampire. They understood he was on their side, and everyone knew that several of them thought he was the hottest guy they'd ever seen. Sometimes Buffy had to admit, she felt a little jealous. They were all so much younger and prettier than her, but she knew it was always her bed that Spike came to at night, always her he professed eternal love for.

They were completely lost in each other right there in the corridor when Xander came clattering towards them with Willow on his heels.

"Guys!" he yelled, earning twin looks of annoyance from both Slayer and vampire, "Sorry to break up the party but, Faith's water just broke right in the middle of the first floor gym" he said none to delicately.

"Bloody hell!" the blondes cursed in unison as they belted off down the corridor.

By the time they got there, Dawn was already instructing Faith to push. It seemed unfair somehow that a Slayer with all her stamina and powers should have such a short labour, but much like his mother this baby was eager to get out into the world and start living.

The whole gang witnessed the arrival of Nicholas William Wood, since Faith and Robin's engagement had been announced not long after her pregnancy and the wedding day was set for in a few months time.

"Our little Nicky Liam" the dark-haired Slayer proudly held her child for all to see, Robin at her side with tears evident in his eyes.

The gang decided a few moments later that the new family should have a little privacy and they filtered out and back to there respective rooms.

"You coming Spike?" Buffy asked when he was the only one not to follow up the stairs.

"In a minute, luv" he assured her, "You go on and just give us a sec, I fancy a smoke"

"Okay" she nodded, disappearing up the steps and leaving him alone.

Spike wandered through the building and out of the back door, peering up at the star studded London sky. He lit his cigarette, pocketing the lighter, before leaning back against the wall and blowing the smoke out in a long plume.

So much had happened to him in his unlife, the last decade being the greatest of all. From enemies to friends to lovers and back round again, him and the Slayer seemed to be on a merry-go-round of knives for a while there, too much pain for it to ever be worth it. But in the end, it had been, to get to where they were now.

Spike fitted here, more than he ever had anywhere else. Even Giles and Xander had come to accept him as part of the gang, and as much as it pained both of them, even he and Wood were civil to each other. He was trusted and wanted here, and loved by a woman he knew deep down he could never really deserve.

"But I've got you to thank for a lot of this, haven't I?" he said towards the stars, "For more than one reason, I have to say thankyou...you great poof" he smirked playfully as he flicked his spent cigarette to the ground and stubbed it out with his boot.

"Rest in peace, mate" he said with a small salute to the sky, before heading inside to his love, "Rest in peace"

- The End -

A/N : Well, there it is. Those two little words that mean no more fic 'The End'. Final thoughts and comments? Please leave a final review cos I'd love to know what you think! ;-)


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